This page is a collection of my selecting writings, essays,  poems etc. for your use and perusal. Many have been published in magazines and journals.  Please  feel free to print, copy and distribute for use with the bereaved with appropriate source and author recognition. For reprint permission for use in  published newsletters, magazines etc. please contact the author at heartlightstudiosgmail.com.

When Prayers Go Unanswered

As a beggar shares his bread with another beggar I share my heart on a difficult subject with the loss of a child; when there no miracle.


No parent should have to go through the loss of their child; there is no greater pain on this Earth than to experience the death of your child, no grief harder to bear. There is no easy way out, no medication, placebo, no therapy, no shortcut or prayer that can take away the pain, it has to be experienced, you love hard you grieve hard. It istotally unfair and life does not seem worth living...but we need to live.

Some people blame God for taking away their child, some glorify God; that God picks his favorites to be with Him in Heaven and that they are in a better place, and that the good die young. Some people blame the devil for sending evil our way and that we were not faithful enough. Regardless of the cause of death; by disease,accident, suicide or murder, as parents we blame ourselves.We are the responsible parents who failed to protect our children from their death, no matter how you cut it, we blame ourselves.We are responsible for their welfare, and in some way we failed and our child died. No matter what facts can be brought before us that we did nothing wrong,we still rationalize our guilt.I believe for most of us we as parents areguilty of one thing: loving too much.

If you think back just a hundred years in this country or currently in many third world countries, life is much more egregious and harsh. Medical care may be many miles away by foot or nonexistent, no electricity, and no penicillin, not much in way of helping to save lives for the average person. Many people die and have died from lack of any medical care, most of them children, even our wars take our children year after year. This planet is cruel and harsh and although high in intelligence and many advances have been made, we as humans are very fragile and death is a continual oppressive enemy.

Six million Jews prayed to their God to release them from their captors and save their lives. Why no answer?Enemy Christian soldiers in many wars have found themselvesboth frightened and both praying to the same God that they won't get killed. The Muslim prays to Allah for protection in a country racked with war. Whose prayer gets answered? The families at home on 9/11 praying their loved ones survived the blast, the hundreds of individuals scared for their life running down fire escapes praying to get out.Why did some survive and not others? Pleas to God to find escape from earth quakes, fire and flood, again no answer,a prayer for a miracle for our child in the hospital, the child abducted or lost, simply our prayers for their protection at night. No answer, no miracle. Why does the omnipotent force of all good not answer our gut wrenched beseechments in prayer? We are good people, what did any one of us do wrong? We become very, very angry at God for taking our child. He did not answer our prayers, He gave us hope, only take it away, allowing us to love, only to give us this unending agony. What kind of a God would do this? How could He allow my child to die?

We even begin to question the very existence of God, but the paradox we find is if we do not believe in God, then who can we be angry at? We need to let out our anger in a healthy way, screaming atGodis one way; He cannot be hurt and will not scream back.

I think we tend to make God out to be some powerful magician like the Wizard of Oz; that if the faithful bring their requests to Him in earnest, their prayer will be answered just as requested.I don't believe God throws lighting bolts and curve balls to hurt us or give us disease so that we can experience spiritual growth or fulfill some nebulousdestiny. Conversely I don't believe He makes a choice of which soldier in the trench to save, or which child is cured of cancer. Prayers are answered through the hearts and hands of those all around us. If the right doctor is found, the right medicine is administered, the life guard is on duty, the scientist finds a cure, the soldier frees a captive,the fireman, the police officer, your neighbor, or the man on the street are all agents of God, whether they know it or not. Many times there is no miracle, there is no cure, there is no hero or savior and our loved one dies; our prayers seemingly ignored. We become very angry that we were lead to believe that our fervent prayers would be heard and yet they wereleft unanswered.

I am reminded of a story that illustrates this point. There is a man atop his house caught in a flash flood with rapidly rising waters and he pleads with God to save his life. Soon a boat comes by and pleads with the man to get in the boat. The man responds "that's all right God is going to save me," the boat leaves. The water is getting higher and soon a helicopter appears and drops a line tothe stranded man, again he refuses helpsaying that God was going to save him. The rising waters soon overtake the house and the man drowns and goes to heaven and asks God why He did not save him. God responded: first I sent you a boat, then I sent a helicopter, you refused both so all I could do was save your soul. Sometimes there is no boat or helicopter available and our loved one dies despite our prayers. As much as we would like to believe that God can magically reach down his mighty hand and rescue us, we intellectually know that is not going to happen. God is not a physical entity; He is the combined love of this planet. Just as He used Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad and Moses to speak his words, he uses people to carry out the answer to prayer. If those boats and helicopters are simply not physically available at the time, or the right medication is not found we die, life is cruel, life is harsh.

My nine year old son Kelly died from a malignant brain tumor called Medullablastoma. We prayed and prayed that he would not die and that he could be cured. Though many medical breakthroughs in cancerhave saved many lives most children with this diagnosis 17 years ago and today, die from this form of cancer. Kelly lived almost two years following his diagnosis. Did God answer our prayers? Yes, he did. Was Kelly cured? No, he was not. Was Kelly healed? Yes, he was, for when there is no miracle death is the ultimate healer.

A hundred years ago Kelly would not have even beendiagnosed, he would havesuffered more terribly and died much sooner. Our prayers were answered with what was available to us geographically, with an outstandinglocal children's hospital, wonderful doctors and nurses and excellent insurance that covered over a half a million dollar medical bill. Our prayers were answered when our town of Bayport raised money with a benefit for us and with Make-a-wish who sent us to Hawaii for two weeks. Our prayers were answered in Mexico where we traveled there to find a cure andKelly's tumor disappeared. When the cancer came back out of control, my prayers were answered that God would take him from the pain. My prayers were answered when I asked Kelly for a sign that he survived death and that he could hear my lamentations. My prayers were answered that I could find some path out the valley of the shadow of death and embrace life again. Yes, God exists and answers prayers. My son has communicated to me after his death in a very real way; if Kelly survived death, than there is no doubt in my heart that God exists. By whatever name you callyour personal omnipotent deity or how that universal force answers your prayers is as individual as a snowflake and different for everyone.

Your child dies at 3 months old from SIDS, killed with no warning at18 by a drunk driver, or the onset of a sudden illness, what prayer can possibly change those horrific facts? There was no inkling of their fate or time topray to prevent it; we are vulnerable to our physical limitations with every breath we take. Why did it happen? Like trying to comprehend that there is no end to the universe, there is no answer our intellectcan understand. As long as this world turns our love ones, including our children will die, we cannot escape it. When this happens we feel guilty for not preventing it somehow, and feel totally empty inside, feeling far awayfrom the God who failed us and took our child.

Believing in God is a personal choice and whether or not you believe in God or not, death will claim lives and we shall all experience the pain of loss. I don't believe God takes our lives but I do believeHereceives our spirit. God does not punish us, he picks us up when we fall and carries us when we cannot walk. Our destiny is a work in progress, just as melting snow from the mountain top finds the ocean, nourishes the landscape or forms a mountain lake, it will be what it will be anddependent on what it encounters on the journey. I don't blame God for my losses, I don't blame the devil, and I accept the fact that life is harsh and is terminal from our birth.

Because of my personal experience I choose to believe in God and thank Him for every minute that I am given to experience life. Every moment is an opportunity to feel love by sharing hearts with one another. Even through all the pain of losing my son, my parents, two siblings, and two nephews I still feel His love through his children on this earth. That belief has sustained me in my deepest sorrow and the only thing that assuaged the pain. I believe there are Angels all around us, living and breathing as we do and although they cannot bring our child or loved one back they can help to heal the hurt and if you help to heal the hurt of others so shall your hurt be relieved. If you dont believe in God, believe in love, to me its a matter of semantics.

Victor Frankle, author, doctor and survivor of a concentration camp said in his book "Mans' Search for Meaning: 'To live is to suffer, to survive is to find meaning in the suffering.' We cannot change what has transpired, as we live we shall suffer. We cannot go back and change the past but we can change the future as we move from loss to legacy, substantiating our loved ones life by the way we live ours. We can honor their lives and allow them to live on through our actions; in our grief we are given the license to take emotional risks, and express the feelings in our heart. Other than the death of another child nothing can hurt us more than we have already been hurt.

I wanted to die when Kelly died, but I chose to live, who else would keep his memory alive? If we do not choose life, than ultimately two lives are wasted. Grieve hard, scream loud, feel every facet of your loss as long as you need to, grieve openly, express your lamentations and frustrations; you love hard, you grieve hard, it is supposed to hurt. Knowthat your grief will lesson as time moves on but you will always be a bereaved parent and like living with arthritis you will live with flare ups of pain the rest of your life.

God bless you on your long journey and continuing passage of pain, and know also that although our children live in one sphereof existence and we in another, with faith, undying love and the desire, we can meet at the seam where our worlds connect; love never dies.

The death of a child is a huge leveler; we all walk this road together.

Love and Light,

Mitch Carmody
Author of "Letters to My Son, a journey through grief"

heartlightstudio@aol.com

www.heartlightstudios.net

Its all about Heart

Oh. were off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz Those words and melody always bring back to mind one of my favorite movies in the whole world. Maybe it was gathering around the television with mismatched Tupperware bowls of popcorn and a cold bottle of Coke (my mother had her own hands off stash of Tab). We were dressed up for bed early, all snug in our jammies with pillows piled behind our heads and we would listen intently as Danny Kay introduced us to the yearly ritual of the televised viewing of The Wizard of Oz.

I love everything about the film, its characters, the music, the majesty, the change from black and white to color, and of course Judy Garland. The story taught me so much about how important the journey is in achieving a goal; to dare to take a risk; to dare to trust friends and trust the serendipity of life itself. My favorite character was the Tin Man. He was so tender, gentle and sweet yet so sad and forlorn. He could not feel the beating of his own heart yet bore the qualities of one who truly has a capacity for love. Life is about finding our own heart; seeing how it reflects back to us from the others that we love. We find that on the journey of searching to find what we think is important in life, we find by default what is truly important, and its all about heart.

I enjoy watching movies of all kinds. One of my favorites is a fictitious story about a young boy, the best little league picture in his small Montana town who walked off the pitching mound and quit playing baseball. The boys name was Chuck, the movie: Amazing Grace and Chuck. When Chuck is asked why he walked off the field, he responded I have to give up something I love until the madness of nuclear arms across the world is halted. Word spread, and soon major sport figures are giving up their positions on their respective teams to join this young idealist in his unique protest. The movement soon spread to children in schools across U.S. and the world. All the children began protesting nuclear arms by not speaking. To persuade the worlds children to start speaking again the United States President (Gregory Peck) and the Russian leader started to disarm respective missile sites. One person with integrity, the willingness to sacrifice, and has true compassion for the common good, no matter what their age is, can truly change the world. We should all follow what our heart tells us and make the world a little better place then when we found it.

The movie the Never Ending Story which was a partially animated childrens feature (from the eighties) that had a great message for us. If your remember in the movie, the whole world was slowly disappearing because of the nothing .When people stopped believing in magic and the beauty and mystery of life the world would fade away to nothing. Experience is our greatest gift, apathy our greatest sin. In our grief we may feel like fading away into the nothing and feel nothing, but then two lives are lost and the world diminished twofold. We love hard we grieve hard; we cannot feel nothing; If we do, we lose ourselves and that connection with our loved one in the bargain. We can use the experience of our grief to build our new future, a future that will have joy in it again sometime down the road. It is a life long journey down this road, but you if you feel love again you will feel joy again. Feeling joy again is the great legacy of our continuing love for our loved ones who have died.

Pay it Forward. Now there is a movie with a message! After experiencing several tragedies in my life, including the death of my son, I soon found the only way I was able to navigate through the dark shadows of my despair was by reaching out to other people in need. The more I would help others, the better I would feel, the better I would feel, the more connected I felt to the world and my son. Its all about heart. I finally had a name for how I felt! From a movie I found a name, a phrase if you will, to explain the modality of healing that worked and is working for me. Pay it forward.

On this journey through life we will face many challenges; one of those toughest challenges is surviving the loss of a loved one. Healing from a significant familial loss takes years to reach some acceptable level of recovery. It takes years, not months to accept the death of a child. Helping others is one way to face those challenges, but one cannot fill anothers cup if our own cup is not full. In the beginning we are forced to accept the compassion of others to fill our own cup; prime it so to speak until our cup is full and capable of filling others. This initial process of filling takes as long as it takes and is different for everyone. When you cup is again full, you can start to fill the cups of others. When you reach out to others and in the process you will find your soul is refreshed, your pain diminished and your will to live restored.

A small act of kindness it like a small pebble thrown into a pond; its ripples reach every shore. Let your heart be that pebble that sends ripples of compassion to many different shores. In reaching out to others in this way, our loss turns to legacy, our despair turns into hope, and our future is reclaimed. At some point in this process you may even feel true joy again. Take the risk of being as good as one can be. Tip the balance. Pay it forward. Its all about heart. Its all about love.

I use these movies as metaphors of the grief journey for myself; you may have your own. No matter what movie, story, book or song that you may see, read or hear, if it is all about heart, there will be triggers that call their name. You will be reminded of your love one, in a way bittersweet and melancholy and your hearts will swell and eyes may well.

We will feel the pain again, and we may cry again, but we do not manufacture tears, they are just waiting to come out. Tears of remembrance are much sweeter than those of early pain, and they bring comfort, not fear. Home is where the heart isTheres no place like home.

You must give some time to your fellow man. Even if its a little thing, do something for otherssomething for which you get no pay but the privilege of doing it

-Albert Schweitzer

It is in giving that we receive, it is in healing that we are healed

-St. Francis of Assisi

Mitch Carmody November 2007

-Those Whispers of Love that keep us keeping on.

If you have lost someone close to you and suffer with that loss, you may have wished for, prayed for, expected and or anticipated some sort of supernatural experience that would validate your belief that there truly is life after death. I believe that somehow our loved one who has moved on in spirit can communicate with us in some form or fashion, and that it can bring us a peace that can be found in no other way. I believe we live in one sphere of existence, our departed loved one lives in another, but we can meet at the seam where our worlds connect. If our love is strong, and we keep all our senses open, it can and will happen. We need to let go of fear of the unknown and our own preconceived notions of what is and what is not real.

I have recently become a grandfather. I cannot believe the depth of love I have for my granddaughter. At this point in my life and in my bereavement journey of almost twenty years I had thought I hit a plateau of acceptance with the death and physical loss of my son Kelly. I had accepted that my heart would never quite feel the intensity of joy that it once had. This child born to his surviving sister has brought that intensity of joy back to my heart. With that joy has come some unexpected blessings and some very special visits from our son.

I think Kelly stuck his foot in the door when his niece, baby Kinsey came to this world. I believe he is lingering real close to us for a while; it has been quite a long time since we felt his energy this profoundly. There were many years of silence ormaybe there was too much white noise in the way for us to hear,but we feel so blessed that he continues to surprise us with his visits and everlasting love.

Many, many people have had some form of experience with communication from a loved one who has died. Most people are afraid to tell others fearing that they will be labeled as nuts, gone off the deep end, lost it completely, or just desperate for anything to assuage their pain. I believe that for the most part, people are just still plain afraid of ghosts! Even the word ghost, conjures up thoughts of scary things. We find ourselves using words more palatable to our psyche, such as a presence, a spirit, an angel,a visitation, an entity, their soul, or energy field, verbiage that takes away the enigma of darkness that surrounds communication from spirit world. People are scared of things they do not understand and attribute phenomenon like this to some malevolent spirit, rather than whispers of love from our loved one.

Twentieth century Hollywood brought us many movies filled with ghost, specters and poltergeists that seem to continue to haunt the lives of the innocent. From The Shining to Ghostbusters these movies perpetuate the belief in evil spirits that have a want and need to frighten us. Communications from beyond the grave for the most part in our society has been relegated to Gypsy lore; late night sances with unsettled spirits raising tables and blowing out candles. Eerie, creepy scenarios made to frighten and to entertain.

Some religions have also helped to reinforce urban legends of malicious entities that are bent on plaguing humankind. That demons and evil spirits surround us continually, tempting us, frightening us, and may be even possessing us. Ghost and departed spirits are pigeon holed with demonic spirits and by association become something to fear. Therefore communications with the dead via, a medium, a sance or Ouija board is deemed dangerous and viewed as an aspect of the occult. This is somewhat of a paradox as the concept of speaking with the dead goes back to ancient times and most religions are based on prophets who hear voices, have spoken with angels or have had visions of long dead religious icons.

In todays world people report orbs in photos, lights turning on and off, hearing voices, objects being misplaced, a cool breeze from nowhere, doors slamming, phones ringing, dogs barking at nothing, finding a penny, and on and on. Most people have historically attributed these "happenings" to evil spirits or a poltergeist. Possibly, it is just our loved one using what is available to let us know they are around us always. We just need to remove the cloak of darkness and mystery that surrounds after death communication, and understand it is a fairly common occurrence world wide.

Not until the release of the movie Ghost starring Patrick Swazee did a movie create a more believable image of a spirit who left too soon. Spirit communications have been mystified and sensationalized for so long it has become ingrained in our collective psyche as a negative thing, when it is merely love trying to shine through the veil of darkness.

I believe love is more powerful then evil, for evil is merely the lack of love. When we carry light with us, we should not be afraid of the dark, because -there is none. If we study physics, we know that there is no such "thing"as darkness but merely the absence of light. There is pure energy (love) or lack of it. Science clearly shows us that energy does not die, it is only transformed; everything in the universe goes through continual transformational cycles. So does the love that is the essence of our souls and it is transformed to a new existence of light. Spirit is light and loving energy and nothing to be afraid of. It is ignorance that is scary.

There is some speculation that the weight of the soul is 21 grams (the weight of a hummingbird). Soul is love, it is energy, therefore it has substance and that energy continues on. Just as a satellite dish can connect to anywhere in the world and tap into that continual flowing energy field so can so can our hearts. We must strive to turn on that switch to receive the signal and possibly even climb a mountain to get better reception. Love never dies. Light attracts light. Turn on your heartlight and spread the light we are meant to share; give the love, and show others we care.

You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. People do not light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket. They set it on a stand where it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, your light must shine before all people so that they may see goodness in your acts and give praise to your heavenly Father. -Matthew, 5:14-16

Love is the light of the world, the energy that keeps the balance, and what opens doors to spirit. Without love, I do not believe that disembodied spirits could make themselves known to us, but with love they are empowered to do so and our love empowers us to receive it. They use whatever means they can to get our attention to say Hello!!!! Knock, knock pudding headits me, pay attention! So things go bump in the night, lights go on and off, and societylabels itas a ghost, poltergeist, or some evil phantom when it is only our loved one trying to get our attention to simply show us that their love lives on.

They can even enter our dreams and speak to us in such a way that cannot be dismissed as just a dream. In the dream visitation, it is usually in full color, like watching a movie you can remember it vividly as the day it happened. You can experience smells, emotions, taste the tears, feel the pain, and feel the love. Your mind, body, and spirit react to is if it was real, you remember the experience as it if was real, you do so because it was not just a dream, it was real.

Our bodies react accordingly when we have an experience of some form of after death communication. The joy that comes in recognition of a loved one alive or dead releases endorphins which are the bodys opiates that give us a sense of pleasure and/or relieve pain. Even sighing/moaning triggers the release of endorphins, which ultimately helps relieve pain physical and emotional. Deep moaning, as in a physical trauma, or in the intense screams as in childbirth are the mind and bodies attempt to alleviate extreme pain.

Crying and laughing are flip sides of the same coinand laughter also triggers the release of endorphins and we feel pleasure. Sigh away, cry away and allow the laughter; it does help ease the pain. Embrace the love, embrace the light, for with the light comes healing. Our loved ones are with us always, so filter out the noise of life and speak to them from your heart and in prayer. Listen closely with all your senses, for love cannot be denied, it was and is always thereand only a whisper away.

Mitch Carmody Email: heartlightstudio@aol.com

Fathers in Grief, a Paradox for Todays Male

by Mitch Carmody

The loss of your child can be crippling and leaves deep scars, it changes who we are and how we look at life and how we relate with the world. Five or six years out is still early in the spectrum of child loss but close to the point where positive rebuilding can begin. One thing that I have discovered that helps pull you out of the canyon of despair is compassion for others, it is giving that we receive and in healing that we are healed.

In the first few years it is hard to even help yourself much less others and we mechanically maintain, weep a lot and lick our wounds while clinging desperately to everything of our child and in secret wish to join them. We rejoin the real world at our own time and it happens when it right for us. Every ones journey is different, but what remains the same is the huge void that is left in our lives. How we fill it is up to us. I believe we need to fill it with something positive for others that creates a legacy of good in our child's name. We now become their legacy and we substantiate our child's life by the way we live ours.

In our "modern day" society it is especially difficult for fathers to grieve openly, caught in a catch 22 of how to express the deep pain we our experiencing. Men don't cry, men do not emote, men do not hug (maybe at the funeral) men don't go to support groups, men don't call in sick because they are screaming inside, we are the man of the family. Fathers are the fix it guys, the protector, the strength and the rock the family needs for support. More times than not people will ask a father" how is your wife doing? This must be hard extremely for her".

The modern male is now given (by women and therapists) license to show emotions, to cry, scream, hug and express their deepest emotions and fears, to let it out. The Irony of this is if he does emote and the family has never seen this behavior, it is taken as a sign of weakness and the spouse and other family members feel they have lost their safety net, their rock of support, and feel even more helpless and rudderless on this journey of pain. If this happens he may again 'clam up' to help with his family and deal with his own pain later. He finds that 'letting it out' is an axiom of sophistry and in doing so he feels he is letting his family down. Indeed a paradox for the wanna-be sensitive Dad.

Most men cry alone in their cars on the way to work and they explain that the red eyes are due to allergies, or a late night. When my father died when I was age 14, my Mom told me I was the man of the family now, I did not cry, I did not grieve. It was not until years later and my losses became overwhelming did I finally let it out and express my emotions for the loss of my father. It has been 16 years now since Kelly died and I still cry with my wife when we feel our loss together or even when I hear a special song like'Wind beneath my Wings' and I do not care who is present, you love hard you grieve hard and it is supposed to hurt. When you recognize your own pain and express it, you automatically become more empathetic to others in similar pain and can help relieve theirs. Hell, now I cry at Hallmark Card commercials, I can't help it.

When people tell us to find closure, or move on and don't dwell on it. We can, but not how they think we should. We find closure in what will never be, let go of the what ifs, the shoulda -woulda -couldas and move on with the knowledge that our children are forever by our side, only in a new relationship. We live in one sphere of existence, our loved one who has died in another, but with faith, undying love and the desire we can connect at the seam where our two worlds meet. Love never dies.

In America we are allowed a few weeks to "get over it" and get back on track. The dead are wrapped up neatly so to speak and put away and their names unspoken. I find this totally unacceptable, it has been almost 16 years and I still talk about Kelly everyday and always will. We will always be bereaved parents but we will not always be experiencing the pangs of grief. Like arthritis we learn to live with it the rest of our lives, and also realize we shall still have flare ups of pain and discomfort as we move on through the years.

Love and light

Mitch Carmody 2004

Its In Letting Go That We Are Free To Hold On

In my many years in working with bereaved parents I have heard a lot of discussions on the use of the terms closure, letting go, moving on, getting on with your life and acceptance. So many people in the process of bereavement find the glib use of these terms offensive, repugnant and that it minimizes their intense journey of pain. When taken off guard the grieving person is hurt by the insensitivity of the remark and often even angered by it; especially if uttered by the inexperienced or the ignorant. We don't ever want them to be experienced and if they are ignorant, then we must enlighten them. So many times we are angered and say nothing; we swallow it, put deep inside on a back burner to slowly burn. Its okay to be angry, it is a part of grief, but it also needs to be released and not allowed to fester. Most of the time when someone makes a remark we do not like, or utter an inane platitude, know that their heart is in the right spot, they just truly do not understand. We must appreciate their compassion and also must realize our perception is jaded by deep personal grief and its umbrage of pain and bitterness.

We tell them, we educate them, they become informed and we harbor no resentment. We see past their ignorance and accept what ever words of compassion they give to us...so many say nothing. Often times it is not what is said, but how it is said that threatens our well being. Positive accolades are never taken well especially in early grief when they seem to be used the most. People who have never lost a child just do not know. Accept their compassion however they give it. . If you must, put a finger slowly to the lips of the fumbling but caring human being and simply tell them please dont try and fix it, I dont want to fix it yet, just hold me like you mean it.

There is one key word in the above mentioned platitudes that you will notice is one of five famous Kubler Ross stages of grief; Acceptance. This is the stage of grief that rules them all and is the key to understanding the use of its sister terms, moving on, letting go, and finding closure. First of all I think we all have learned to understand that the five stages of grief; Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and Acceptance are non-linear and happen all together, separately, and in all combinations for many years but happen they do, and happen they will. Each stage serves as a unique purpose for our survival and that is what they are, survival tools.

Shock gets us through the impossible, to bury our child. Denial keeps back reality so we can function somewhat back into society like a non-ending bad dream we continue to live on without our child , but with an elusive thought we will wake up to find it really was just a bad dream. The first year anniversary date usually knocks out Denial and Shock briefly steps in back in. Anger jumps in and out at its leisure and usually catches us off guard or when we are going into and/or out of depression. Bargaining is a total mind game with play with ourselves to rationalize our current state of misery and to make it feel justified: I deserve to not get out of bed, If I go to church more often I will feel better, If I get drunk enough I can cry and or sleep, If I pray enough I will wake up from this nightmare. If I end my own life, I can join him; if I am good enough may be he will come to me in my dreams. A seeming never ending internal dialogue that yields has no answer but gets us through another day.

Now back to Acceptance, the stage of grief that encompasses them all, and gives credibility to the aphorisms; letting go, moving on, getting on with your life and finding closure. We own these words, they are our grief, we paid a heavy price for them and we shall use them as they were meant to be. In eventual healing from child loss we find closure with the other stages of grief but not closure of our child. We usually first find closure with Shock. As a temporary survival tool by its nature shock finds closure on its own and we are no longer numb and it is then that we truly feel the pain. When we find closure with Denial, we know our child is dead, that this is not a dream, they are not coming back and we begin to live the pain. We eventually find closure in bargaining because it is a mind game and simply doesnt work. That leaves us with Acceptance, we accept the pain, we accept our new normal, and we accept the new relationship we have with our dead child. We also accept dead is not gone, we accept there is letting go of many things/people in our new normal EXCEPT our child. The world must accept our new normal and accept that we shall never get over it. Like arthritis we learn to live with it.

We get on with our life with our child, we let go of illusions of what could have been, we find closure in what we cannot change, and we move on with our new future as best we can. We are now our childs legacy; we substantiate their life by the way we live ours, so lets make them proud. We do not put their names and memories away left unspoken and hidden like some shameful secret but shout them loudly to the heavens and to all that can hear: I love my child and I still feel him near. Its in letting go that we are free to hold on.

The following is an excerpt from my book Letters to my Son. This is the last posthumous letter I had written to my son followed by a brief postscript touching on this subject of letting go.

My dearest son,

I have not written for quite awhile, but I think that means I am doing better. The signs that you have given us have been truly miraculous and I share them with many people. When you sent the five doves when I was reading the poem Letting Go to your mother was awesome! You know me well enough to find out what the significance of the Number five was. I talked to a lady at church who was a numerologist and she said it meant, Letting go!!! My God that says it all.

I take that sign as a mutual letting go as we release each other to move on. I still would like to hear from you now and then although. I would really like to have a heart to heart talk with you as visually as you can make it (or I can make it) or better yet as we can both make it in my dreams. I need one good last hug from you that will last me for the rest of my life. I miss you so much!!!!! I miss you like you have just gone away and my heart aches at certain times that just pop up. It is not the intense pain that it was. There is the pain of separation, being away from you physically. Then there is the pain of separation itself, the actual act of separation that was so intense and painful. That separation has finally reached its breaking point and the separation has taken place. Now it is just the ache of our being separated and not the extreme pain of the separation process.

Just as your mother raised you for nine months inside her womb, nurturing you and protecting you, she then had to give you up after the ninth month. She had to separate from you physically and it was very painful, that act of separation. She then suffered later after she recovered with the ache of that separation. She no longer was physically responsible for your life, and she felt the loss of the ultimate maternal feeling of having you inside of her and grieved that. Now after nurturing you and being responsible for you for nine years, she then had to give you up again, and with it came that terrible pain of separation. The whole separation scenario played over again. Only this time, you are now born into a new life that is a more permanent separation. There is no physical contact. It maybe a quick return for you, but a long wait for us until we can see you again.

Our return to Mexico was of great importance for us all. It gave us an opportunity to let go and carry on with our personal destinies. We cannot change the facts of our separation so we must make the best of where we are now. For a while, I just wanted to die and join you, while selfishly ignoring all the responsibilities I have here, especially for your sister. I also now realize what a great legacy you left us with, and I would be renege in my duty not to carry on the work that you had started. The work and purpose of your lifetime was the main reason that we were picked as your parents by you. You picked us to help in the task set before you and to carry on with your work and the work of our Lords that now seems so synonymous in their natures.

If I was to give up and become an emotional cripple and let the pain of separation maim me for life, I would be doing you such a great disservice and make your life of great trials and tribulations all for naught. I must and will spread the word of God and what faith in him can do and I shall do it my son, with your life. Not many people have done as much with their life at full measure as you have done already with your few short years on this earth. We will continue on with our path that you have started for us. I feel more abundant in the spirit then ever before in my life. Youve given that to me, Kelly, and I thank you. I want to be of service to mankind and my God more than ever before.

I would give it all up in a heart beat if I could only have you back here with us, but that can never be so I will expand upon all that we have learned in the school that was your life. I will help to heal mankind as best as I can and spread the word of the faith that can produce miracles. You will always be an active part of my life and together we shall turn my sorrow into joy. Please continue to be that light that guides me and keeps my spirit alive and let me be a conduit of healing energy.

As man suffers at the thought of the crucifixion of Christ, and yet without that reality that he knew was his destiny, where would the world be today? Just as you did, knowing your destiny would create a living testimony of faith. We suffer at our loss, but rejoice in the glory that is your spirit.

I love you, Dad

Postscript

This was the last letter that I had penned to my son, some fifteen months down the road following his death. It was then that I finally accepted the fact that he was really dead. Part of that acceptance had to deal with a trip back to Mexico. My wife thought it was crazy but she acquiesced at my insistence that it was something we needed to do.

So much magic happened in Mexico and we as a family were buoyed up spiritually from the whole experience. Now a year and some months following his death I had to go back to Mexico and see if it had all been real. The memory of it all seemed like some vivid dream that I could not let go of. Return we did, only to find a whole different landscape.

The beach house where we had stayed for several months had burned to the ground. Nothing remained. We went to the chapel where the healing had taken place. Dona Nieves, who owned the chapel, was in Mexico City for an extended stay so was not available. The Medium (Maria) had not been around for quite some time we were told. We did not meet any of the friends that we had made and we were even hassled by the local police.

When we had been there before, we were treated like gods and everyday was a good day. It was as if it had all been a dream, like a Brigadoon experience that was there for a short time, only to vanish again. We drove that day out of Mexico with very mixed emotions. We knew the miracles had happened. How could it have all changed so much? What does this all mean?

We flew home and when the plane pulled onto the runway and up to the terminal, I received my answer. I could see my wifes parents in the window holding the hand of our daughter Meagan. It was then that I realized that she was all I had left. She deserved all of me. As I stared at Meagan, I had a vision, a mental image of my sons face on a large kite in the vast blue sky. His eyes were alive, happy and brilliantly blue as the sky around him. His smile was one of peace, contentment, and self realized assuredness. Gazing into his eyes once more I found myself lost in a reverie of pure joy. With tears streaming down my face and totally unaware of my surroundings, I saw myself clutching desperately to the string that connected to the kite. It was then that I realized how extremely tight I was holding on to the string. I was so afraid of letting it go.

Momentarily, my connection to the outside world returned and as if looking through a tunnel I stared at my darling daughter behind the thick safety glass. I then knew I had to make a choice to let go of my son and give all my energy to my daughter, who was alive and needed me so much. It was painful for me to do, but as I slowly walked up the ramp to my awaiting daughter, I unclenched my hand and let go of the kite string. The kite never strayed, but remained high in the azure sky and my son smiled down at me as if to say, Now that wasnt too hard was it, Dad? My daughter was now running down the ramp and soon was wrapping her arms around me. I scooped her up in an instant holding held her very tight. I gave Kelly a wink and the vision fading I covered my daughter with tender kisses. It felt good to come home. MC

-The loss of a child is huge leveler; we all walk this road together

Mitch Carmody

www.heartlightstudios.net

In trying to explain the intensity and duration of grief recently, I usedthe story of the Lord of the Rings as a metaphor to give it some perspective of magnitude and I share it with you now. I was always a Tolkien fan and had even read The Hobbit to the kids when they were little. My Son Kelly would have really loved to seethe movie trilogy if he had lived. This story may not mean as much to you if you have never read the book or seen the movie, but in your battle to survive the loss of your child you know of the journey.

TheJourney to Mordor

-a mythology of grief

Losing a childis an extremely difficult life changing experience and one that leaves deep scars. Grieving in child loss tops the scales aslife's most challenging stressors. There is no pain worse on this earth than to lose a child, no grief harder to bear. It is a life long journey into acceptance of the unacceptable. When we lose a child, parent or sibling, we embark on a journey, the hero's journey if you will, to find meaning in our suffering and help heal the ache that throbs so deeply in our soul. We are on a mission, a spiritual quest to heal our heart, travelinginto uncharted territories of grief and bitter realities. The bereavement process is not unlike the brave Hobbit's journey to Mordor in the story of the The Lord of the Rings.

Like Frodo Bagginswe embark on an odyssey of seemingly impossible odds; on a journey we did not choose but the where thejourney chose us. Feeling small and infinitesimal against the loominggargantuan mountain of grief, we rest for a while in its long deep shadow and watch the rumbling clouds of storms gathering threateningly in the distant.

We rest; we gather strength for our long journey and find the courage to take that first step.We cannot go back, we have to cross the mountain, and leave what we have known for our whole life, leave our comfortsand begin our journey. As Frodo wore the ring of power around his neck, so do we wear the ring of griefon a chain around our neck, "my child is dead, this is all I have of him" my grief. We clutch on to that grief, its ours, it is our precious, it is our child. If we hold it hard, like Frodo we too can become invisible for a while, but like Frodo and worse yet Gollum if we stay there to long, we can get lost in the dark.

We continue on our journey using the ring of our grief to aid us in our survival. We are now away from our life as we once knew it and we put on the ring to escape our pain in a world so harsh and cold. We struggle forward, always feeling the draw of the ring, our grief, our burden, our savior, our mojo, our precious, our lamentations, all that's left of our child lays in our grief. There in lays the paradox,our goalto throw the ring of griefback into the fires of Mordor and heal our pain,when that is the only thing that gives us relief...our grief.

We learn it is not the metaphorical fires of Mordor in Tolkiens trilogy that heals the hurt , anymore than a mechanical ticking heart allowed the Tin Man to feel compassion nor the medal that was given tothe Cowardly Lion give him courage in the Wizard of Oz. Its the journey itself that is the healing process. Slowly we feel our own heart beat again, we gain courage to move forward, a reluctant warrior we face the dragon and fight for our life.

We find out who our real friends are and who we really need in our lives. Like Samwise the hobbitwe have friends who stay by our side, protect us when we are not looking, give us bread when they are hungry, put up with our intolerant moods and are always there when you need them the most. We meet angels, and orcs, good people and trolls, madmen and magicians, we see and experience more death, more pain, we find more magic in life, recognize the Synchronicity of kismet and enjoy the kindness of strangers. We meet new friends and lose old friends. Life is living, life is dying, flip sides of the same coin; our own life flippant as a coin in mid air toss.

Everyone's journey to Mordor is differentand ittakes as long as it takes, but it is a journey we cannot escape. Returning the ring to Mordor is the acceptance stage of grief, the ring to rule all the stages of grief. We throw into the fire: shock, denial, bargaining and anger, we no longer need to become invisibleor deny our own destiny. All the stages need to be experienced for they all serve a purpose. It is a misnomer although to call them stages as that implies a degree by degree advancement of a process. Whereas the'components' of griefcome and go in any combination withsome never experienced at all. They come when they are needed; the teacher comes, when the student is ready.

Each grief component helps us cope in different ways and we each take from the ring of grief what we personally need to survive. We can become invisible when we feel the need too and escape from the world but we cannot stay there too long for its harder to return each time.We need to hold on to our grief but not let it become our 'precious' and take over our life forever. We must carry it with us on our journey, because it is the journey. We shall need many different friends to help and aid us as we travel to our own Mordor. We shall lose old friends, gain new friends, find friends in unlikely places, find kinship with strangers, and cold hugs from good friends. We shall be hurt, we shall hurt others and we will learn to accept it all as part of the journey and continue on because we must.

As with Frodo it can be a struggle to let go of our grief, it has been our 'precious' for a long time and paradoxically can be hard to give up. Like Frodo we must return the ring, and find acceptanceor become a miserable creature like Gollum enslaved to his catharsis, and acausality of hisown avarice.We shall rest when weary, we will doubt our mission to survive, we will collapse from exhaustion, we will lose our way, and we will want to give up. But like Frodo we carry onwounded, hurting, forever changed and move slowly across those mountains.

Eventually like Frodo we release the grief, the grip of our precious and live by what we have learned on the journey itself. We don't release the love for our child or the essence of our loved one; we release old expectations and lost dreams. We release guilt and anger;we accept that we have a new relationship with our loved one and accept our 'new normal.' Like Frodo, where he was wounded, itwill ache the rest our life, we shall always be bereaved parents... but not always be in grief.

We must live our grief, we must experience it fully, we must express our sorrow, show our lamentations, wallow in our pain, it is supposed to hurt, and we do not need someone to fix it. Grief is a natural process we have to allow to happen and allow it to take its course. Its not to be rushed, circumvented, delayed or medicated forever, it has to be experienced and absorbed before true rebuilding can begin.

Recognize your journey and do not opt for the short cuts.Letting go of grief is not letting go of love, its not getting over it, is going through it, it is not moving on, its moving with, its not closure, its acceptance, it not concentrating on what you no longer have, its embracing what you still have. Dead is not gone, love transcends time and space, our love ones spirit is but a whisper through the veil; we need just open our hearts, God will do the rest.

Love and light

Mitch Carmody

www.heartlightstudios.net

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

We fought death with all we had

there was almost nothing we did not try

but despite our every effort

our child still had to die.

We were left in pain and sorrow

but we sought magic through our tears

and found miracles in motion

as we moved on throughout the years.

Those miracles in motion

seemed to keep our boat afloat

no dream seemed too bizarre

nor a coincidence too remote.

Spontaneous chills and goose bumps

are meant to warm the spirit

they happen when they happen

and happen when you need it.

When God is breathing down your neck

Its because He is holding you real close

You can feel His heartbeat within you own

and find ways that you can cope.

You find a way to transform your grief

into something tangible and good

so light a bon-fire in the darkness

let your deeds become the wood.

You must give back to everyone

with everything you can

share your world with others

truly listen, and lend a hand.

You cannot bring a loved one back

there are no rebates from the grave

so one must embrace a living face

and find someone you can save.

Save somebody from their loneliness

save someone from their pain

save them from themselves

or from a society gone insane.

Everyone longs for love

without it we would surely die

its easy to give in many ways

a smile, a hug a cry.

So its Top-o-the morning to everyone

let your heart-light shine

reach into each others hearts

with words, with touchand time.

Makes silly jokes and laugh out loud

its giggles that massage the soul

look directly into peoples eyes

and let your heart-light glow.

Others will see that Inner Light

as you gaze into their eyes

and know we are all relations

the ignorant and the wise.

Still there will be difficult times

when sadness escorts travail

nothing tried will ease the pain

and you will feel that you have failed.

Where were the miracles that

were once woven within my grief?

I used to talk to angels

and had visions in my sleep.

I now realize the miracles never stop

they only take a different form

mini-miracles happen everyday

and soon becomes the norm.

Gods magic has changed my life

changed who and what I am

I have moved through the pain

and find joy in all I can.

Sunrises are crisp again

sunsets bathe my heart

butterflies, birds, and song

are daily works of art.

As the sands of the ocean

were once a piece of land

what once was in human terms

can never be again.

Some flowers bloom for only moments

then wither and fade away

but the memory of their great beauty

is always here to stay.

So we move on with our life

and embrace the miracles that we can find

the magic in essence, never goes away

its just that sometimes we are blind.

There will be people that we meet

that we have known for many years

or share moments for the first time

with strangers and their fears.

We must boldly share our love,

reach out to others without hesitation or dismay

find the pain that lies so near

and around us everyday.

Whether its an old friend or an enemy,

a relative or just a cashier at the store

there will be some one that will need you

and its you who shall open the door.

Be of service to yourself

and all with all the people that you meet

there are many paths yet to cross

many avenues and streets.

There are people who desperately need

your evolvement in their sorrow

just as you need them

to face the next tomorrow.

So if you think that God has overlooked you

and has no idea that you are here

you must realize its not that Hes forgotten

its you who have forgotten that Hes so near.

Miracles and magic are never ever gone

they are always within our reach

just as are the memories of our loved ones

and what they had to teach.

They taught us love is unconditional

it is the strongest fiber in our being

so let loose, let go, let God, let love

let YOURSELF and start a new beginning.

The beginning of a new relationship

with our loved one who has gone

their spirit is always very close

and their love lives on and on.

Mitch Carmody

-Edited and abridged from my book Letters To My Son for the Lakeview Hospice Tree of Remembrance Candle Lighting Ceremony December 4^th, 2003

This Poem is dedicated to the 137 souls that passed through the many loving hands of the Lakeview Hospice Team

Living the Loss on Fathers Day

By Mitch Carmody

The dogs were barking strangely one early morning in July of 1970; I was 15 years old. I knew someone had probably driven up our driveway and were taking their time to come to the door which was driving the dogs nuts. I was up early to get ready to bring my dog to the County fair as a 4-H project and was eager for the day. I went to the window and peered out to see who could be there this early in the morning. I then spy my Mom walking up with two neighbors close by her side, arms around her, covering in an obvious shawl of compassion and they were whispering. The dogs barking; a harbinger of despair.

My Dad had died. A few days prior he had gone in to hospital for a relatively new operation for the clogged arteries to the heart and although in this century is now done routinely it was then a very risky operation. My father had complications following surgery and later died. Our neighbors brought my Mother home to support her in breaking the news to myself and my sisters. My mother reached out to me and embracing each shoulder with her shaking hands she said: you are the man of the family now son, you need to take care of yours sisters, and the farmyour father has died.

I hugged her without a tear, without fear and just saidOkay I love you Mom. I never really did grieve or publicly lament my fathers passing. I was the kid whose old man kicked the bucket over summer break. I was embarrassed by the quiet looks of consternation and thusly became the clown, to laugh it off preemptively and avoid the glares. I put away the grief, the pain, and did not lament, or mourn my loss. It seemed almost too easy to pack away. My mother soon remarried, then feeling somewhat abandoned, compounded with the strong feelings to stretch my own wings, I moved away from home.

Now years pass by, I get married and have a child, our firstborn, our only son. Soon we were blessed with the birth of his darling sister, life seemed again be joyful and the fulfillment of a dream. Soon the dark clouds returned with death of my only son, nothing could have ever prepared me for the depth of pain that one experiences in losing a child. Nothing! The world stopped and everything I ever knew had now changed forever. I was lost in hopeless pain for many years. Fathers Day mocked my existence, for fate had slapped me in the face. Both my past and my future in fatal swoops were whisked away and I was left here in the present alone in so much pain. Why me?

I lost my father, then my son, it felt so violated, so cheated, earmarked by God for misfortune, It felt like I was playing a role in some Thomas Hardy tragedy novel where I played the main character whose life was built on misfortune. I soon cracked under its weight, it broke my spirit, and I felt hapless, hopeless, innocuous and miserable, I wanted to die. I had my daughter to care for and my wife who spoons my soul, but I had no zest for life, no passion, no feeling, no goal. I struggled hard to free myself from the web of self pity, and I dug deep into my inner soul; from attic to basement I looked within myself to find a way out.

In my head with angels help, I went back to the day my father died. I literally went back and relived the moment, I screamed and I cried. I finally lamented for my father and let out the buried angst hidden for so long. When that dam burst I could then make room for the lamenting of my son. Only then did my road to acceptance begin. Acceptance is not selling out, or letting go of their love, it is just accepting that they are dead and giving our selves permission to rebuild our lives the best that we can.

I finally grieved for my father and I am still grieving for my son. Accepting their death is not forgetting them, it is merely accepting the reality of life. You cannot have one without achieving the other. Accepting their death is not the end of the bereavement journey its only the beginning. We shall continue to grieve for associated losses from their deaths the rest of our life. Father and son banquets, hunting trips with the boys, working on cars together, sharing a beer or two, having a pair of strong shoulders to hug, so many potential moments that we shall grieve forever. No grandchildren, or great grandchildren, no retirement party, birthday parties or graduation celebration, no parties of any sort. We are always reminded that their lives were cut short and we grieve anew for what should have been.

Through the loss of my son and many family members I have learned much on the journey. I found that I love deeper, I smell flowers longer, and I savor the sunsets more. I feel the best when helping others and I thank God for my every breath. These are all good things to have come to me in the midst and aftermath of horrific pain. How sad it would be if we were not compensated in some way for our tragic loss, for life would then truly seem meaningless would it not?

Through the loss of my father and my son I discovered the randomness of death. That death can hit anyone, anytime regardless of genes, the environment, or the best of efforts to stave off the sting of its reality. There is nothing we can do that can adequately prepare us for a loss of our loved one. Nothing.

Do I feel sad on Fathers day? You bet I do? Do I celebrate it? Yes I do. I am proud to have been a son for 15 years and proud to have been a father to my son for 9 years. I am proud to be a Father for my surviving daughter for 26 years. I am proud to be a grandfather. Everyday is Fathers day when you find yourself surrounded in love from this world and from the next.

Feel the sadness of your Fathers day; feel the pain, feel, the joy, feel the love that alone makes it possible to feel the pain.

Love and light

Mitch

The Anatomy of Grief

- and its affects on our body

When we see our loved one die or hear the news that they have died, it immediately propels one into a state of instant grief or clinically distress of mind. Our mind reels in unbelief and our body launches into an active flight or fight response. Adrenaline flows, chemicals, hormones and endorphins are pumped into our system that is in a full red alert. We are now in active flight or fight response.

As a living being this response is innate in our nature and by design protects us from a perceived danger. When we are faced with a situation that requires an adjustment of our behavior, an involuntary response increases our blood pressure, heart rate, rate of breathing, blood flow to muscles, our metabolism speeds up preparing us to fight or to run for our life. Animals respond in this way instinctively for life threatening events only and it is not normally activated.

We as humans however, instinctively illicit this response when under any type of stress real or imagined. Our busy work-a-day worlds, tight schedules, commitments, family issues, political issues, and any unresolved anger continual bombard our system with stress. Our body acts accordingly to the stress it receives and perceiving it as an apparent danger it will activate the flight or fight response to some degree. On the positive side this affect can give instantaneous powerful physical ability which can save lives, your own or someone elses. On the negative side it is meant as a survival tool not an everyday tool and to our bodies, on a continual basiscan be deadly. Like a motor running at its top end continually, it will eventually burn up or blow apart. Fortunately we as humans have an over speed trip that we can activate, slowing the response to our stress down; Relaxation. We must learn to actively relax and diligently reduce the stressors in our life.

Grief is an enormous stressor that continually puts us in the fight or flight response. Not only can these in the long term cause damage to the body, it consumes valuable needed energy each and every day. Do you always feel tired? Do you forget things? Does your mind wander? Are you tense? Have difficulty in reading or your math skills? Are you apathetic? Are your testy and humorless? Are you depressed?

Grief wipes you out and reduces your ability to even focus. To reduce this affect to your system, you need to identify and reduce other stressors in your life. You have to make room for the enormous stressor of grief that has now become your daily modus operandi. Grief, especially in child loss is like living with arthritis, you never get over it; you learn to live with it.

In the first few years of child loss when grief and lamentations are the most intense, you will likely suffer other physical ailments as well as accidents. Your body is reacting to the continued stress of grief and will be immune depressed and vulnerable to many opportunistic diseases. Because of decreased body health and emotional fatigue ones mental acuity will also suffer and you will be forgetful, have less dexterity and be more accident prone, possibly causing physical injury.

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You will always be in bereavement for your loss, but you will not always be in the state of grief. When grief does rear its ugly head and it will, be prepared with a few simple proactive approaches:

1) Ownership. This is your grief and absolutely no body can possibly know the depth of your personal pain. You have a right to experience it, let no one take it away, immerse your self into it, feel all of it, for there is no way around itonly through it. Take it in small doses, baby steps, one at a time.

2.) Be yourself. Express yourself. Let others know you are in pain. Grief gives you license to say anything you want (He/she is crazy with grief). Speak your loved ones name, do what ever feels right for you. People will learn it is a long process that may last for years and they must learn to accept the new you. Grief must never be internalized, actively mourn you loss, show your sadness, express your lamentations, your anger, disappointment, frustration and fear.let it out.

3.) Reduce other stressors in you life. Prioritize; you can not possibly get done what you did before when you are grieving. Make a list of what is absolutely necessary and then cut it in half. Ask for help to do simple things. Call on those people that say: if there is anything I can do, there is no time limit on love, allow them to give so that they can also receive.

4.) Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to whatever makes you happy. As elusive as happiness appears to be, we all have our personal comfort measures that makes us feel good. A movie , a walk, a good book, hunting golfing, horse back riding, the beach, it is as individual as you are. Remember you are also very vulnerable and comfort measures should not include those that may be contraindicated for your physical or mental health.

5.) Relax. Find ways to relax that will illicit the relaxation response. First find quiet and solitude and a comfortable position. Secondly repeat a mantra, prayer or phrase in your mind or listen to gentle music. Thirdly and most importantly adopt a passive attitude. With the proper attitude even closing your eyes with headphones on in a crowded subway can illicit this response. By doing exercises such as this, you will automatically reduce many of the accelerated metabolic changes to your body that the stress of grief has created.

6.) Physical exercise. Try to find some form of physical exercise that works for you. Lack of physical exercise builds up metabolic waste in the bodys tissues, taxing an already immune depressed system even more and can physiologically contribute to symptoms of lethargy, intense fatigue, body ache and depression. Try walking, running, jogging, working out, swimming, horseback riding, golfing what ever it takes to get the body moving and reduce the levels of static toxins that affect total body vitality and mental health.

These are some simple steps to reduce the stress in your life accompanying loss. When you lose a significant loved one, you will go through the many different emotions associated with grief: Shock, anger, frustration, denial, bargaining, hope, isolation, depression, melancholy, apathy and more. Grief emotions are not linear or predictable and you may experience all of these singly or in different combinations at anytime, any place, and may for the rest of your life.

You dare to love hard, you grieve hard. Grief is hard work and necessary for our survival and it cannot be circumvented or continually medicated. Just know that grief can wreak havoc on the body with illness, as well as the fact that the potential for personal injury is very real. This requires an introspective and proactive approach on the grief journey to minimize physical distress and possibly injury to ourselves or others.

Mitch Carmody

Care Giving the Bereaved

-tips for the journey

By Mitch Carmody

To be able to adequately undertake the role of care giver for the bereaved we must first understand the elements and the history of the bereavement process in our country. As late as the early 1800s grief was still puritanical in approach and death was regarded as some form of punishment from God for our sins and the wicked were punished accordingly. Death was believed to be a visit from the dark side, the Angel of Death and the Grim Reaper; the Devil gets his due and you are paying for you sins. Death within the nuclear family was treated as if it was an embarrassment; a guilt of some wrong doing. It was largely kept hidden from public view; handled privately and quietly. Stillborns, premature births and suicides were not even recognized with a mourning period and for the most part the name of the loved one was forbidden to be spoken.

By the late 1800s a more proactive approach developed toward understanding grief and a more demonstrative and proactive process of mourning was developing. Mourning mementos such as gloves, scarves, and rings proliferated, burials began to be attended by large-scale public processions and funerals at the gravesite, and funerary speech began to take on a sentimental or eulogistic quality instead of damnation. Life after death was hoped for and the belief that spirit survived death became the norm. This also gave rise to the beginning of the Spiritualism movement, with mediums, sances, and Ouija boards that supported life after death.

Now at the start of a new millennium in this country we have reached a point of bereavement processing that has moved from that era of extended and ritualized mourning to the Drive Thru mentality to get this all over and through quickly. Three days off from work with pay and the waking, mourning, memorializing, the cremation and or burial have taken place. Public mourning is finished... Get over it, move on.

In this latter transmogrification the bereavement process we find a much sanitized, streamlined approach that has adapted to a fast moving culture. Wake periods are short and sweet or non-existent; funeral plans are made quickly without elaborate preparations; mementos of mourning are seldom warn or displayed, even the wearing of black is seen less and less. This recent cultural paradigm shift in processing loss has created an environment that delays or circumvents the critical lamentation period that must take place.

The loss must me expressed, the bereaved need to lament their loss and express their pain for as long as it takes. Our society I believe is ready for a shift back to common ground in the bereavement process; a shift that will allow the bereaved are able to grieve naturally, openly and to express the full depth of their loss. To be able to lament and mourn their loss as long as is needed; surviving without guilt, shame or the fear of ridicule; living the loss, living the pain and regaining the joy.

Whatever road that may bring you onto the path towards helping others during their crisis and pain with their loss, know that the road chooses us, and it is we who accept the challenge. In accepting that challenge our own healing begins.

You must give some time to your fellow man. Even if its a little thing, do something for others- something for which you get no pay but the privilege of doing it.

-Albert Schweitzer

Accepting the challenge to come to the aid of someone in their grief is a special commitment, with the loss of a child, it can be a lifetime commitment. Losing to death someone you love deeply, rocks your world, rips open your heart and cripples your soul. You are lost and rudderless in a sea of despair, where nothing seems to be able to assuage he extreme pain you are feeling.

Being a caregiver for the newly bereaved is like handling a new born baby with colic; it requires a high level of commitment, a whole lot of hugging, rocking, patience, listening and unconditional love. Experiencing a close family member death is life changing, course altering and irreversible. In essence the bereaved are starting all over again in real time, developing into a new normal in stages of life development; measured in years not weeks or months.

When we see our loved one die or hear the news that they have died, it immediately propels one into a state of instant grief or distress of mind. Our mind reels in unbelief and our body launches into an active fight or flight response. Adrenaline flows, chemicals, hormones and endorphins are pumped into our system that is in a full red alert. We are now in active flight or fight response and the beginning of shock.

This is where the societies accepted five stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance have the most significance as it pertains to the bereaved or the dying themselves. These stages suggest a linear process which is indeed experienced in the initial days of processing the loss but does not adequately represent the long term processing that takes place months and years following the death.

Shock, no longer numbing, like Novocain it eventually wears off and has retrograded to a dull ache, an ache that may ebb and flow the rest of our life. Denial is not a long term option, our child is dead we know that, we buried them, but denial will hit us for a brief moment every morning that we open our eyesand we softly say to ourselves: My God its true, they are dead. Anger is tucked safely away for emergencies, vented when needed and by many still being used to create change. Acceptance is simply that decision to get out of bed after you open you eyes every morning and realizing it is true.

The stages of grief in long term bereavement are not stages at all, but fluctuating emotional components of a life long challenge to survive the loss. We move through the loss; we cant fix it; we cant deny it; it happened, we carry it with us always, and we continue to process it the rest of our lives as we grow with our new normal.

The grief associated with a close family member can be crippling. The grief so prevalent, so pervasive, so controlling, so sustaining, we depersonalize it in conversation to the base pronoun it just to survive the moment. The it that is with us always. Like a lamprey on our heart, it feels as if it is sucking the life force from us daily. A lamprey does not kill its host however; it simply becomes a part of the hosts life for a long time, then one day just drops off. Someday at an indeterminate time, it too will fall off our heart, but the scar will always be there. Living with that scar is our constant challenge.

It is has been said, time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.

-Rose Kennedy

It was twenty years ago this past December 1^st 2007 my 9 year old son died from an incurable brain tumor. Twenty years later I am still a bereaved parent. I am no longer experiencing the pangs of deep grief, yet I still lament and continue to express the emotions of my loss.

Having lost my father at age 15, my brother at age 21, my twin sister and her two boys at 29, I thought life could not get much worse, when three years later my son dies after battling cancer for almost two years. I was changed for life, nothing could have prepared me for the pain I felt and still feel in my heart today. Hello, my name is Mitch, I am a bereaved parent; I started life all over again when my child died; today I am 20 years old. How old are you in your new normal (abnormal)?

Starting all over again

a chronological view of the bereavement process

-from the perspective of a bereaved parent

If you want to go the extremes of grief to try and understand the complexities of the bereavement process one should study the bereaved parent. No other loss is more devastating than the death and physical loss of a child. No other loss leaves your heart as deeply and mortally wounded for life. No other loss is more difficult to accept. Even among bereaved parents there is a plethora of differences that set individual grief journeys apart and in how each bereaved parent processes the loss of a child. However we are all forced to accept the unacceptable: the physical loss of our child forever.

We have all heard of the five stages of grief that have been accepted and used worldwide for the most part without question: Shock, Anger, Denial, Bargaining and Acceptance. For the person dying, for parents living the nightmare of watching their child die, or the parents hearing of the news of their childs tragic death these stages may aptly apply in the initial response to the death or imminent death. But with the ensuing months and years that follow I feel the stages do not adequately represent the true reality of the bereavement process following the death of a child.

In accepting that initial reality of their sudden death or imminent demise, the stages are a natural progression of emotions to that loss. But for the bereaved parent in the early months and subsequent years following the loss of a child there is no linear progression of stages of grief that is a one-size fits all. We find that the societies accepted stages of grief do not fit our life as we have come to know it.

If there are true stages in our long term bereavement process, there are only two: shock, and the road to acceptance. Everything else falls in between. Both denial and bargaining are insults to our intelligence, of course we know our child is dead, we buried them. We cannot strike a bargain with God or anyone that can change that fact. We may continue to experience denial the first moment in the morning when we open our eyes and realize it was not a dream, but we are not in clinical denial; we just dont want to believe its true that our child could be dead.

Depression and anger are very real emotions that we will experience, but they are not stages, they are tools of survival and a condition of our new normal. Depression brings us to emotional pain levels that we need to experience as we continue to process the enormity of our loss and also serves to protect us from the assaults of the outside world. Anger channeled constructively can be a powerful force for positive change and be a healing process in and of itself. Anger turned inward or manifested in a negative way is concurrent to healing and can only cause more pain.

Bereaved parents trying to fit themselves into the accepted stages of grief find themselves frustrated if they have not gone through the stages as outlined. Very vulnerable, the new bereaved parent--still somewhat in shockwill begin processing the loss of a child as the mores of society dictate. Following three days of bereavement leave from work, its back to your job and start getting on with your life. For surely in a few months you will be over your loss and will quietly blend back into the workplace, as hoped for and expected by most. At first you will be greeted with embarrassed looks by co-workers who almost hurt themselves by either making an unanticipated hallway dodge, or an abrupt u-turn. Others become ad-hoc bulletin board readers or mutterers hiding behind magazines. Those skillful with avoiding eye contact will utilize their skill, while the less creative will employ urgent rest room needs. These and other methods are all ruses to avoid the uncomfortable contact with the bereaved parent.

People practice avoidance to avoid bringing up the subject of your loss which they feel will be sure to acerbate your pain. They also have their own concerns that they might be put into a position to have to say something profound and/or healing when they know there is nothing that can be said or done to take away your pain. From time to time, we ourselves play the artful dodger role when we do not want to go there. Sometimes the actions we see in others are reflections of our own projection.

I remember one time seeing a person coming towards me down the hallway at work one morning a few months after my son had died. The young man rounded a corner whistling and glancing cheerfully at the headlines of his morning paper, unaware of his overfull coffee mug leaving a trail behind him. Then I notice that he catches site of me in his peripheral vision and he scrunches further into the pages of his paper. He suddenly became more engrossed in the paper as we neared each other in the narrow corridor. I was feeling down with transitional edginess from a few real bad days and did not want to hear any morning weather reports or exchange cheerful drivel, so I dodged to the right just as we neared each other, he then dodged to the same direction, we both reversed several times and at the same moment we both spoke and said, Care to dance?

We each laughed loudly in a very natural way and automatically hugged one another without compunction. He whispered in my ear with the compassion of a Mom tending her sick child, How are you doing, man? I pulled back from our brief embrace and looked him straight in the eye and responded that up to this moment I was having a very bad day. Thanks for the dance. We both laughed as we walked away my heart lighter, his heart brighter. Sometimes we avoid contact with others just as they seemingly do with us. Just under the surface our racing emotions are left unseen and unexpressed. In a spontaneous or forced contact situation with another, our emotions can be released like the welcome eruption of a festering boil. Although it hurts briefly, we sigh with relief that the dam has finally burst.

The first year back to work is a difficult challenge for the bereaved parent, but remember you are still an infant in your new normal, barely a few weeks old. We get lost in a forever wandering mind of our own internal dialogues. We have no attention span for the language of the real world and depend on Post it notes to remember everything. We trip more; spill things more, lose things, and get lost on a simple errand. We develop techniques to get things done, but the color is gone from our life. Those around us appear to be living in full Technicolor while we are relegated to dull, flat, still and dark monotones of the person we once were; we are changed forever.

The loss of a child is terminal bereavement. We start all over again and try to figure this our new normal. It is a new beginning in all sense of the word and our clocks are reset. We construct new concepts, new ways of looking at lifenot from the passage of time but from an amalgamation of events and experiences. In the depths of early grief time seems to stand still, so it is with an infant; time has no meaning, all that matters is that we be comforted. As an infant grows to childhood, time will appear to accelerate just as it will for us and we shall cry less often, get up and walk all by ourselves and become curious about the world around us.

In essence I believe we are born again into a new life that starts the moment our child dies and ends the day we die. We start marking time just as a new born baby does, day by day, year by year in a slow progression of discovery of the person left behind. A slow metamorphosis of the psyche, like the Phoenix we rise from the ashes of our despair and become our new found destiny as surely as the maturing baby keeps trying to walk. We need to go through that progression of life developments and stages of growth that a child goes through in becoming an adult; we need to learn to crawl before we can walk. We need to grieve naturally, not stages of grief but stages of life development that takes years--not months-- to progress through.

In support of this theory I offer parallels to similar behaviors as drawn by the famous behaviorist and psychiatrist Erik Erickson in 1956 and his 8 stages of social emotional development of a child from infant to adult. These stages of development are accepted world wide and used in most institutions of higher learning.

According to Erickson, the socialization process consists of eight phases- the eight stages of man. Each stage is regarded by Erikson as a psychosocial crisis which arises and demands resolution before the next stage can be satisfactorily negotiated. Stages that build on each other, each previous stage supporting the next and so on in a structural sense that demands each stage be achieved before moving on to the next. It is I who postulate their relevance and key to understanding the long term grief process that a bereaved parent is suffered to endure. I believe we are vulnerable and needy as a new born child and we grow into our new normal just as a child takes his first steps.

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The world you knew is gone; time stops, your brain is in code blue and reality as you know it fades from conscious thought; you are propelled into a world of disbelief. Taken from a world that you knew and understood, a world of warmth and security, you find yourself head first in a cold painful world of the unknown. Its hard to see, you are shaking, insecure and frightened of whats ahead. Tears flow from your eyes, you feel cold and lost and just want someone to hold you and tell you its just a dream.

Am I describing a baby just being born into this world, or a parent just hearing the news of or witnessing the death of their child? It could be both since both describe being thrust into the unknown and faced with the continuing challenges of survival.

Life without our child; our new normal; our new life. Just as a newborn baby needs to adjust to a new environment, so do we. Just as an infant does that first year we shall cry a lot, sometimes way into the night, sleep for a few hours, only to wake up frightened, cry and then sleep some more. You will find people taking care of your simplest needs for you and without compunction, -you offer no resistance. As if in a daze you allow others into your close personal space, finding it feels good to be cared for. You will have accidents, you will be unsure of yourself, you will be scared to venture out, be hesitant with strangers, and testy when youre tired. And youre always tired. You will want to explain what hurts and find you have no words that can express your thoughts. Food will be tasteless and you will eat in a perfunctory fashion, yet coupled with an unabated thirst that cannot be slaked; the scratch that cannot be itched. So we find pacifiers to slake the unquenchable, indefinable thirst that gnaws at our being. Again does this describe an infant or a bereaved parent functioning at the base primal level of 1^st year survival?

*Actual Erickson Developmental Stages entitled in Bold Print

Stage One: Learning Basic Trust Versus Basic Mistrust (hope).

The first year

The world, God, Kismet or the fates of life, have stolen our child from our arms, caused them pain and continues to assault us with more pain and deprivation. How do we ever trust again? Baby steps; we learn all over again. We will try to stand and fall, we will try to walk and stumble, we shall try to explain and cry in frustration, not finding the words that anyone can understand. We are dependant on others for our own survival; we reach out for anyone to pick us up and pat us on the back and make it all right. We want to be comforted on our own terms until we can understand this new world we are forced to accept. Sometimes this comfort comes from perfect strangers

If we are well handled and cared for, we shall develop optimism, a sense of hope and we grieve naturally. If the grieving is delayed, so will the first step towards optimism and the whole bereavement process will be chronologically delayed. Sometimes without help, a bereaved parent can be stuck forever, never finding hope, never building on that next stage of development that we must also go through. That is just the first year following the loss of a child. At the risk of being glib, we then head into the terrible twos, our second year of grieving that is more often worse than the first.

Stage Two: Learning Autonomy versus Shame (Will)

Two year to four years

Every morning when you open your eyes you get a mini-jolt that your childs death was not a dream. On the second year of healing every days calendar memory reminds us a year ago on this day our child was dead. Today is real and with it comes another full day of painful memories just waiting to rip your heart apart. The world thinks you are on the mend while you are just beginning to understand its going to take a long time; a very long time. The second year calendar days mark time with memories of the sting of their death and the ensuing life change that followed. It is like starting all over again but without the numbness, and for the most part, the world now expects that you should be over it.

The terrible twos, the second year of healing, when anger, frustration, apathy, anxiety and depression play tag team for control. The loss begins to become real, and separation anxiety kicks into high gear. Extreme concentration becomes necessary in order to accomplish almost any task, and every task seems to deplete you physically. You will have accidents, lose things, and forget appointments, trip, stumble and fall.

You want to feel better, be able to talk normal, care about things again, but yet its hard to leave behind that initial, albeit painful but protective cocoon of grief that has protected you for so long. A butterfly cannot turn back into a caterpillar no matter how hard he tries and may be fearful of breaking free of its cocoon. Just as a baby longs for independence, it still clings to and longs for the security and comfort of bottle, crib and someone who cares. We struggle with many mixed emotions during our second year of healing.

We can fly into a rage at a moments notice, cry uncontrollably out of the blue, say NO to everything, dont eat what is on our plate, we want our nap, we scream out, Its not Fair, we pout, we are difficult to be around, we sometimes run around like a chicken with its head cut off and we fall into an exhausted pile and sleep. Begging to be left alone one minute, and then begging for hugs the next. Are these symptoms of our second year and third year of our bereavement process? Or a two year old learning autonomy? Hard to tell one from the other isnt it?

Stage Three: Learning Initiative Versus Guilt purpose)

Five to seven Years

We as bereaved parents entering our 5^th of year of experiencing life without our child will usually feel we have hit a benchmark, a milestone in recovery from our devastating loss; yet still feel without purpose. If active steps have been taken to integrate our loss into our new life, by this time we are starting to broaden our experiences, reaching out to the world and see how we fit into it. We may go back to school, change careers, start a foundation, lead a recovery group, get involved, and dare I say make plans for the future. Imagine! We can have a life again.

As an inquisitive youth we are discovering the nature of our selves (our new normal) and naturally gravitate toward experiences that can bring interaction with the world. To hunger for knowledge, love, and pleasure, to experience growth and maybe even have fun again. To become involved with support groups, attend meetings, as a leader and/or contributing follower, all show a desire to invest in life again. At this point you may have discovered ways to help process your loss that helps to heal or support others in their pain or grief and found relief yourself in the process of the giving.

Not working on proactive ways to heal from your pain you may become stuck in unresolved anger or apathy and not want to move beyond a previous stage, staying dependant on others for your needs and avoiding interaction with the world that has hurt you so badly; picking up your softball, glove and your bat and slinking back home.

Stage Four: Industry Versus Inferiority (Competence)

Seven to twelve years

Seven to twelve years following the loss of your child you have more than likely have fully integrated back into the work place and the world in general. Your loss to most people is not known or forgotten about and is ancient history. At this point in our journey we may be even be playing catch up with the world that has moved on so quickly while we were absent from it. At this juncture of our bereavement process we are honing the new skills we have learned in our survival of the horrific loss we have to bear. Our social skills improving, once again we hunger for more of what life has to give, experience more love, more joy, to see more of the world. We are willing to take on tasks, become a team player once again and work hard to accomplish goals.

If on our grief journey we have not gone through an earlier developmental stage of our new normal we may still be caught in a negative, guilt based position of being defeated and have no thoughts to the future. With most thoughts locked in the past we might be stuck in anger without resolve and used to living life feeling inferior, beaten, with no hope of redemption. Life sucks; I have no friends who understand; I am lonely. I am bitter. I am bogged down in the past and simply do not care!

Stage Five: Learning Identity Versus Identity Diffusion (fidelity)

Thirteen to twenty years

From thirteen years to twenty years in your bereavement process and if you have experienced every previous developmental stage of life progressions in your new normal, you may finally have come to terms with who you are now; the transmogrification of your post child- loss identity almost complete. You have integrated into your new normal and how the loss of your child has changed your life. You accept that change and build on it, even look for growth opportunities that are presented to you in your new life. You have the strength to take on causes and make positive changes. At the same time you may still have feelings of self-doubt and despair. You may still not want to move forward, frightened you may forget. This insecurity in moving forward may cause one to long for the security of the old days of early grief despite its extreme pain.

By this time in the process of your bereavement you may have allowed yourself to love again. You may have lost relationships with many friends, some even the closest of friends or relatives as well as other acquaintances lost through attrition. It may be by our choice that we have lost friends or by their choice. Sometimes, it is no-ones choice and bonds just dissolve; lost in the sheer battle to survive our loss. You may experience further loss from divorce in a marriage that could not survive the storm; you may have children in college, married or have simply moved away to experience their life; you could even have possibly suffered more personal loss by death.

Stage Six: Learning intimacy Versus Isolation (Love)

Twenty years and longer

By now in your journey you have learned to value more than ever the relationships that survived and the new ones that were created. New friends, more children and or grandchildren, new marriage, or a new job may already be an integral part of your life and you have felt joy again.

As bereaved parents at this point in our journey we may find our old selves and our new normal selves merging onto the same road. We integrate the wisdom of our former and present self together and we meet the challenges of the life as we now perceive it. This is where we truly get back on the sidewalk and walk neck and neck with the fortunate others with our head held high and meet lifes challenges on an equal and level playing field againonly we have an edge. No one can hurt us anymore than we have been hurt! We can take the risk to be ourselves fully, play no roles, and strive to make a difference where we can without remorse.

If you have not completed these stages in life progressively with or without experiencing a loss in your loss you may be stuck forever in one or another stage and may never find true joy or the meaning to your life. We always have a choice to make efforts to back up a stage or two and start over.

Stage Seven: Learning Generativity Versus Self-Absorption (Care)

In our new normal, the last two stages can give each of us an opportunity to experience phenomenal growth in areas of both creativity and productivity. After all, by this time a parent has not only survived the unnatural experience of the death of a child, but many parents have suffered untold challenges in many other areas of their lives as well and somehow have been able to move forward on the road to a fulfilling life. Some parents may become dependent on prescription medications or alcohol and have to fight their way back to normalcy and sobriety in the midst of their grief work. Having undergone a myriad of other losses in addition to the loss of a child and having survived huge life changes, the typical parent has by this stage become a pillar of strength. Although still pitied by many they have garnered much respect and awe as a survivor of the unthinkable.

At this stage of your natural life merging with your bereaved life, if you have not already done so, you can take your Mulligan and start again. After all, you have survived the loss of your child and nothing else in life can be so hard. Grief has forced you to come in contact with your entire range of emotions, grief has taught you how to keep on working when you could not care if you starved and or became homeless; grief taught you how to respond to others around you in socially appropriate ways when you could have cared less; grief forced you to create new innovative ways to jump start your life again. Because of your journey you may have recognized for the first time the music that truly emanates from your heart and your feet long to dance to its tune.

Stage Eight: Integrity Vs Despair (Wisdom)

This last stage that Erickson outlined we reach or do not reach regardless of our grief journey. I feel every one of us goes through, or does not go through, all these stages of human development in the process of experiencing life on this planet. If we experience the first six stages of development fully and sequentially the last two stages will only enhance our lives and the lives of those around us and we will find ourselves making a difference in this world. This last stage is up to us, what we have learned on the journey and how we choose to use that knowledge.

When you experience the loss of a child your life is changed forever and in essence you start all over again in the developmental stages of life. Just as in your own birth experience and its developmental stages of life that you complete or do not complete are so unique, so it is with your bereavement experience for the loss of a child. Everyones journey is so different. What is the same although is the lifetime journey to find purpose in our lives. The loss of a child can cripple you forever if you let it. Life can cripple your life forever, if you let it. If we bury our life with our childs body, then two lives are wasted, joy is non-existent and the world itself diminished.

Your personal journey of development in your new normal chronologically will be varied as we are. Delayed active grieving such as in the case of murder or a negligent accident may propel parents into many years of legal battles and painful memories that continue to bombard their psyche. In cases such as this, processing of grief may be delayed and the journey lengthened. Conversely active grief work, such as taking on a bereavement group leadership role, creating a foundation, volunteerism, all can accelerate the process and one may find that they are moving through the developmental stages more rapidly.

If we create a legacy in our childs name with our life, we in essence start a new relationship with our child and in the process give them life. When we can continue to be a part of their life and recognize our continual part in it -joy will come into our heart once more. It may take a lifetime or a few years but joy will eventually return. When we feel joy again, our love is validated, the world is enriched and we find tomorrow is not so scary.

If we have breath there is reason to love.

If we have lovethere is reason to live.

If there is reason to live

there is reason to give

Turn on you heartlight

-Mitch Carmody

Triggers That Call Their Name

On the day my son died Dec.1^st 1987, something shifted in my soul, something deep inside my being got rewired. As a newly bereaved parent you anticipate that the affects and symptoms of shock will eventually wear off as reality arm wrestles for control of our conscious thought. Shock eventually turns to a functioning numbness and we struggle to survive each day knowing that our child is dead, and this is for real. The first year anniversary date looms in the future like threatening clouds in the distance. It seems every thought is imbued with thoughts of our child. How will I ever I survive this?

More anniversary dates, holidays, birthdays, special days will come and pass, each with their sting of pain. As we move through the years, our directed conscious thought eventually does seem to return to a somewhat functional level and for all intents and purposes it appears we have healed and moved on (He is doing so much better; I am so glad he is moving on with his life; I dont know how he does it). Fortunate people that have never lost a child, have no idea of the turbidity of emotions that lay roiling beneath the surface of our everyday persona that we wear. The emotions are always there and can be activated by our own directed thought or by unconscious reaction of stimuli that I call sense triggers. Every one of our 6 senses can trigger thoughts of our child.

Since the day my son Kelly died I have felt a mili-second off with the rest of the world. I feel at a subconscious level in my interaction with the world, like I am continually watching a movie with dubbed in dialogue, my mind often wandering to thoughts of my son. It has been 17 years and I am feeling joy again in my life but my thoughts always stray to Kelly. This is not directed thought nor is it subconscious thought either, his name, his image, our journey, and the pain of his loss all flashes by in a mili-second of time through my conscious thought even at I write these words.

To others we may appear normal and even be engaged in intent conversation, driving, walking, at work, at play, in line at the movies. We carry on our normal routine day as best we can the rest of our lives. We do our jobs and pay the bills. But underneath that normal routine persona there are still receptors for hundreds of triggers that bombard our psyche forever more; a part of the nature of our new universe. Unnoticeable to most, people have no idea how often our thoughts stray to our child. Its a wonder we have short term memory loss and depend on Post-it notes to survive. Right beneath the surface of our external expression we have thoughts of our child hundreds of times a day. From the moment we wake up there will be triggers that bring to mind our child.en.

I have not kept my sons name hidden away like some dark secret, nor have I built a shrine in his memory. I always keep him by my side. Even though we are in two different spheres of existence we still experience a common journey together. I strive to keep Kelly in my conscious thought by the way I live my life. That is by choice.

I also feel it is important to recognize how often we do think of our child without conscious directed thought. I feel all of our 6 senses have been reprogrammed and sensitized to recognize anything of our childs life and death. Immediately our thought synapses start firing thoughts of our child into our active consciousness. In the early years of our grief journey these triggers are hair triggers and they can initiate tears, anger and even gut wrenching agony in seconds. The first few years are raw survival and everything is a trigger.

What are these triggers?

Almost everything in life.

• The sense of touch: Touching the silky hem of a baby blanket, the rough leather feel of hunting boots, Terri cloth jammies, the slimy skin of a frog, the warm forehead of a sick child, the cold wind of winter storm, the hard feel of vinyl on a tightly clenched steering wheel, the scalding burn of cocoa too hot, and endless more can evoke their name.

• The sense of smell: The smell of a child coming it out of the cold, the smell of hard work emitted off an old denim jacket, the scent of hairspray , strong perfume or baby powder in the air, their favorite meal cooking from someone elses stove, the smell of a fresh cut Christmas tree, bananas, chocolate, bubblegum, car grease, burning popcorn, burning leaves, drifting sulphur from fireworks, fresh caught fish, fragrant flowers, zillions of olfactory triggers that can evoke our childs name.

• The sense of sight: The sight of any child or person their age or that resembles them at anytime in their life, or even how they might appear if they would have aged. The sight of a hospital, driving by a cemetery, sighting a hearse, a funeral procession, a flower spray, a sunset, a sunrise, a road side marker, a billboard, a red Volkswagen, a Harley, or a school bus. Television shows, movies, a lunch box on the counter, a puppy, a tabby cat, a turkey, a penny on the sidewalk, again countless triggers launched when our eyes are open.

• The sense of hearing: Hearing a siren, a telephone ring late at night, a babys cry, brakes screeching, the ding-ding of heart monitor, the overhead announcement of a Code Blue. Pomp and Circumstance played in June, the Pacheobel Canon in D, Amazing grace, My Country Tis of Thee. Good night sweetie, I love you pumpkin, get home early, is dinner ready?, where are my shoes? Hearing terms such cancer, malignant, SIDS, SADS, AIDS, tumor, aneurism, blood work, test results, MRI, CT scan, Spinal tap, prednisone, police report, overdose, suicide, and murder. Hearing "theres been a bad accident, good evening its the 6 oclock news, Christmas carols at the mall, or someone whistling down the hall. Every word, every sound you hear can be a trigger.

• The sense of taste: A Dairy Queen blizzard, the taste of tears, warm Kool-Aid, soggy cheerios, the taste of fear, hamburgers, lasagna, grilled cheese sandwiches dipped in tomato soup, Spaghettios, movie theater popcorn, Chicken Mcnuggets, or cherry Jell-O. Every taste a potential to trigger a memory of your child.

• The 6^th sense or psychic sense: You may have vivid dreams of your child, you hear your child, you smell your child, you feel your child, and you can even taste their tears. Call it a dream, a vision, a hallucination, a visitation, a psychic connection, a messenger, connecting experience, ADC, or an Angel hug. For you they are a valid experience. When you hear your porch chimes and feel the breeze caress your warm face on an unusually calm and hot summer day, or hear on the radio Neil Diamond singing Turn on your Heartlight, our soul hears their name. When your see the dragonfly land on your shoulder, the butterfly on your hand, or smell her perfume in the car, or his cologne on the breeze, our soul hears their name. We feel and experience a brief moment of our child. And we relish the visit and thank God for the gift.

We shall all experience the triggers of the 5 senses unless physical limitations prevent us from doing, and our child will always be in our thoughts without our real control. Not everyone will have a profound experience of the sixth sense but it is rather unusual if you do not. Sometime the signs are just not recognized, trivialized, hidden or ignored. But our children do reach out to us. They reach out to us not out of fear or loneliness, but out of compassion for our aching heart, they feel its anguish, they taste our tears and hear our screams, and they comfort us when we need it the most.

We have we been taught by our society to be afraid of ghosts and to be frightened of things we cannot explain. Society has mystified and carnivalized experiences of the supernatural into a Hollywood experience to entertain and frighten little children. The reality of a true experience of the supernatural is scoffed at, yet every major religion of the world is based on experiences of the supernatural.

A connection to our loved one who has died is real, how it happens, as varied as we are. Seemingly real manifestations of our child can be discernable to one or all of our senses courtesy of our 6^th sense and our profound love. Our senses have been heightened to an increased level of awareness to the presence of our beloved child around us. Thoughts of our child who has died will bombard our brain 24/7 for the rest of our lives. Is that really a bad thing?

As you move through the years in your bereavement process you find out there is no pat answers in processing grief, especially in child loss. The journey is as individual as we are and, you do not get over it, you learn to live with it. I accept that, as well as accepting every trigger no matter how painful, that keeps me closer to my son. We cannot run from our thoughts so we learn to live with them, even encourage them, and thats fine with me. I will just buy lots of Post-it notes and the world will just have to get used to me being just a mili-second off

Love and light

Mitch Carmody 12-12-04

The Passage toPleasantville...Will I Ever Feel Joy Again?

by Mitch Carmody

When one experiences the loss of a child or close family member in their lives, there are many calendar moments that take on a whole new significance. Death date anniversaries, diagnosis anniversaries, day of the accident anniversaries, etc., as well as birthdays, special days, and holidays. Its on these calendar days that our expectations, the dreams we had for our children's future becomes powerfully real.We tend to visualize where they would be at this stage of their life and it cuts like a knife. We compare it to where we were at when we were that age, what would they be doing at age 5, 16, 26 or age 32? The void in our lives, the loss, becomes very real again. We experience the loss of their future once more; its a real loss and real grief. As we move through the years we experience less intensity of grief as our huge wound heals and slowly closes, but it is on these special days we briefly open that wound and again feel the pain of their loss; we are reliving the loss of their future and again we grieve it.

Our grief does go into remission as we continue our long journeybut it is an ember always burning and it will still flare up and hurt under certain conditions. But in that flare up of the heart's ember we can also feel the warmth of remembrance, the image of their face becomes clearer, their smell as a baby, the smell of rosy cheeks and damp hair from hard play drifts through our olfactory memories and for a brief moment the joy of their presence floods our being. As much as my loss becomes real again and causes me pain, I treasure the moments of fond reflections the pain has brought to light. My soul going through a bipolar episode of emotions that I have learned to expect.I also have learned thatas I have moved through the years, each year I seemed to recover much faster.

They say time heals all things but than so does death for those who die. Death the ultimate healer where our soul joins with God's and all pain and misery are gone forever. For us, the living left behind, all we have is time to heal a broken heart. In the past couple of years following the publication of my book I have found myself immersedinto bereavement work in many different ways. I thought my completion of the book would be a final healing for me. Published in 2002it had been 15 years following the death of my son Kelly. I had never envisioned conducting workshops all around the country, being asked to speak at events, doing radio and television shows and sharing my heart with people all over the world.

I found now there isno final healing other than death. Our healing is a continuum, a continuing variation of a theme we experience as long as we draw breath. I truly thought I had come as far as onecould go in my healing, I had a comfortable understanding of the bereavement process and I had come as far as I could, no more surprises, I had fully integrated my 'new normal' into my life and it's interaction with the real world. I was wrong.

As an artist I have always used many different mediums in my renditions and representations oflife. I have done hundreds of children's portraits in full color in a variety of styles. Following the death of Kelly, I found I could not do any art work; it was hard to be inspired when my soul was raging in pain. Eventually I started to sketch or draw things/peoplethat my emotions and aching soul could identity with; Mother Theresa, Ghandi, Martin Luther King, people who represented compassion for the human soul, unconditionally love for God and man. These individuals had practiced selfless service to humanity and suffered many of life's deprivations yet continued to love man and serve their God. They were also all dead, I now realize for years now I have only drawn dead people in black and white. I have heard that grief takes the color out of your life; well in my case I have found that to be true.

This year is the first time in 17 years I have completed an artwork in full color and have now done several. They are representations of life and death in full vibrant colors and I did not honestly even realize until that moment that I had been only doing black and white sketches for all these years and that it was connected to my journey of grief. Like the color slowly coming back when love hits the town of Pleasantville I can see in color again. Like Dorothy walking out of her Kansas shack and into Oz a whole new world of color has entered my life. Flowers are brighter and even the Lilacs smell sweeter this year. My Heartlight is back on. What turned it on is my outreach to the bereaved, my new capacity to take emotional risks, living the gospel, not just reading it, and keeping Kelly an ever present part of my life. I am feeling joy again in my life. As bereaved parents joy is very illusive and when and if we do experience it, we shall never feel the intensity of joy that we once had prior to our child's death, but the joy wrought from compassion for others can come close.

A lot of words to say I dont believe there is any one final healing, only a slow process of change. In our early years of our painful passage we don't want anyone to 'fix it' and we resent well meaning trite expressions of concern and the syrupy platitudes from those who don't understand. There are so many of you on this journeythat are in still in thevery early years of the bereavement process and wonder if the pain will ever go away, will it ever get better? Yes, it does get better, but not for many years and its an incremental process that is different for everyone, but I want to let you know from my hearts of hearts there is light at the end of tunnel in this life as well as the next. All we really have is God and time to heal our broken heart. There will never be an answer to the WHY of it all, like explaining color to someone born blind, there is no answer we can properly convey; we continue to live the question. God bless you on your journey. It is my hope someday that you too shall smell the lilacs, enjoy their ambrosial scent, appreciate their delicate hue and find the joy again that belongs to you.

MitchCarmody,

www.heartlightstudios.net

The Fortunate Others

By Mitch Carmody

Before we experienced the loss of our child we were just our old selves; not perfect, just trying to get by -and have a laugh now and then. We would go on vacation with the kids, pay the bills, mow the lawn, argue about the remote, make mistakes, make love when we could, sleep in on the weekend and wake up feeling good. That seems so long agowhen we were one of the fortunate others.

As you know everything changes following the death of our child. When is the last time you woke up in the morningwith a smile on your face, a stomach sore from a case of non ending giggles the night beforeor aching feet from dancing all night? Everything changes, our perspective changes, our sense of humor changes, our friends change, our energy level changes, yet deep inside that heavy cloud that surrounds us for so long we are still the imperfect old self we always were. The death of a child does tend to make us temporarily an automatic hero in the eyes of the fortunate othersand although deeply pitied and usually avoided we are held in high esteem by most. They are so strong, I don't know how they do it, I would be a basket case".

Well folks, guess what? We are a basket case, our child is dead!!!. We could not control the fate that took their life, we as parents feel responsible at some level. Even the most diligent type A person and control freak cannotcontrol the situation or change the facts. We are bereaved parents, a moment I go I was one of the fortunate others, now I am one of those poor souls that look so broken. We willnever be our old normal again. We are different. Something in our heart gets rewired and a slow metamorphosis takes place over a long period of time. When the shock wears off and denial sword fights our intellect for control we begin to see ourselves as different; something happened and changed deep inside us forever.

Like havingvague dream recall we remember the essence of the way things were when our child was alive but every morning we have to accept what is brought before us at each new sunrise. We discover our new self every morning in the mirror and we marvel at our ability to have survived this long. But who are we? Where do we go from here?

We either try to discover what the change is thathas taken place within us orincorporate it into our new normal or we stuff it. We either mask it,keep it buried by shear will, busy activity, find solace where we can or numb the pain with drugs/alcohol.It is a difficult journey and one which at one point we must decide when it is time to reinvest in life. Taking life affirming action validates our will to survive and we can take small steps forward. Moving forward is not forgetting our child, in fact quite to the contrary it keeps them ever present in our life. They live on through our hands and our heart as we reach out to others. Keeping their legacy alive by our actions -we substantiate their life.

Early in the grief journey of parents who have lost a child, just getting out of bed is a major accomplishment and the thoughts of helping someone else is simply impossible. How can I fill someone elses cup if mine is empty? The answer is: You cannot. For months and may be many years your cup will be empty and you will feel impotent, depressed and too tired to help anyone else with their pain. Slowly over time your cup will fill and when you least expect it, it will overflow to someone in need. You may not be ready to give out to others for a long time, long time, thats normal; we need to lick our wounds and rest, but there are others who will need us.

The eventual discovery of a positive path that identifies the personal transformationthat has taken place within your grief journey is the light that changes the length of the shadows in the valley of death. When that happens -is as individual as we are and it happens when it happens.

Relationships will change in all facets of your life, your marriage will be affected,friendships will end, jobs will end, relationships fade and new ones created. With the death of our child we be become an enigma of societyand difficult to understand even to ourselves, how do we expect the fortunate others to understand? The non-initiated have no idea of the life changing intensity and duration of suffering that we experience with thedeath of a child, and we hope they never truly do understand. So we turn to other bereaved parents who have traveled before us and we too become card carrying members of their forlorn club. We discover we heal when we share our stories of pain and longing, but even among the members of this exclusive club we as bereaved parents who walk the same road, still have our different journeys.

A parent who loses their child to cancerhas the opportunity to saygoodbye, and to say 'I love you'and experience many carefully planned moments that the knowledge of their fate can afford.Although children dying of terminal illness will have many similarities, there are also many differences. The age of the child and his/her ability to communicate their thoughts,their needs, their wishesand their pains, makes a difference. There is difference in the ages of affected siblings and their relationship with the child. There are differences in the disease, how it affects the body and mind, big differences in the way it treated and in the total quality of life that they experience in their battle to survive. There is differences in affordable health care, holistic options, life and death decisions that are made, doctors, protocols and the availability of treatment, medications and the even the setting of their passing.

Sudden death affords no time to say goodbye, no special planned moments or opportunities to apologize, toforgive, or tosmother with praises, hugs and kisses or havespecial Kodak moments caught on film. Although there are major differences in a loss from long term illness there is many dramatic differences in processing grief in a sudden death.

Sudden deathfrom illness leaves parents guilty of somehow not preventing it and anger at doctors for not catching it. Sudden death from medical mistakes, workplace death, from murder or a drunk driverpropels parents into an incomprehensible anger statethat vibrates from the core of their being. They are usually caught up in months and years of legal battles, court room dates, exposed to graphic pictures of theirchild, autopsies reports and evenexposed to the presence of the person responsible.

Sudden death from accidents, such as drowning, bicycle accidents, auto accidents, sport injuries or mountain climbing can take our childrens lives and the parents are left with feelings of somehow providing the means that took their child's life and beat themselves up, when all they were doing is allowing their child to experience life as it was meant to be experienced by their daily investment in it.

Sudden death from spontaneous miscarriage, SIDS,SADS and acts of God such as, flood, fire, lightening, earthquake, tornado or hurricane takes our children' life regardless ofanything we could have done to prevent it. This leaves parents with huge anger at God or complete apathy with no one to blame.

Sudden death by suicide or high risk behavior has an enormous difference in initial processing of your child's death. There is muchperceived guilt and self flagellation for not seeing signs that there may have been a problem or that you knew of a problem or a risky behavior of theirs that you foundpowerless to change. No one thinks their child would ever go that far. You have extremeanger at your child for murderingthemselves and anger at them for leaving you inthis horrible state of grief. How could they be so selfish to do that to me? Where did we go wrong? Why couldn't they talk about it? So often times in suicide and high risk behavior there is an underlying mental illness that contributed to the behavior that took their lives and like children with terminal cancer they too succumb to a disease gone out of control.

Sudden death from neglect, child abuse or harsh discipline where the parent although not intentional or because of mental illness or their own risky behavior caused the death of their child... brings a life time ofguilt. This is a continual burdenfor the parent/s that they will live with the rest of their life. Their pain can only be assuaged by accepting the responsibility for their child'sdeath and championing waysto prevent similar deaths from occurring by their proactive involvement to rectify the conditions that may have contributed to their child's death.

Sudden death by direct parental involvement as in abortion is a voluntary ending of your child's life by methods that may or may not be accepted by society or your own heart. For those faced with the decision to abort their child and end its life is not an easy one but a decision that sometimes has to be made regardless of political/religious viewpoints or circumstance. The mother may have no real choice and it is her only viable option, or some may choose to end the pregnancy for private reasons. For what ever reason the decision is made to end the childs life it is an equally difficult choice and one they will feel responsible for.Whether you agree with abortion or not, it will happen, medically advised or not, legally, illegally, ethical, non-ethical or spontaneously, with our without support of the father or family there will be Moms who grieve.

Sudden death by heroism whether its your child who was the person who gave his/her life saving another human life, or even swerved to miss an animal on the road, they are heroes. If it is your child who is a firefighter, the police officer on duty or in proud service of the military when they were killed, the loss of your childs life was a result of their own choice in the noble pursuit of saving others lives. Interwoven into these parents pain is the pride they feel for the achievement and unselfish act of their child.

These are some of the many differences in just the cause of death that parents and siblings experience. There are many other factors that differentiate the loss as well, in the complicated process of bereavement for a child. The age of the child, an only child, two or more children who have died, a stepchild, an adopted child, a special needs child, your marital status, access to a to support system, religious beliefs, your own health situation, other significant losses, and on and on, everyones journey so unique.

At the time of the loss and through the first year or so, there are many big differences in how individually we each process our loss. There is a plethora of contributing factors making each journey so unique. We may consciously or unconsciously compare one loss as one being worse or harder to bear than the other. We know no one can understand our loss just as we cannot comprehend theirs, for all of us our loss is the hardest to bear.

After the first few years of trudging on different paths, like the side roads that lead to the interstate we merge together on major road, a long journey which is the rest of our lives. Together we now share our road stories on a common path toward healing and finding acceptance in the fact that although our life will never be the same, we shall survive. In living with child loss we find that no childs death is either more or less significant or harder to bear than the other. For all of us, our loss is the most significant and hardest to bear. We all eventually meet together on the same road and walk that road together.

We get strength from those who have walked in our shoes, but we still need to coexist with the fortunate others who are running the world in our absence. We need to eventually integrate back into their world. Our society gives us a very short window to express our lamentations and grief, if we are lucky we are given a few short months to process our loss and get back on track. Most people can often look past our diminished state for a short while, but after a few months we are expected to resume our station in life, to "Buck Up" so to speak, put it allbehind us, and move on with our life. There in -is the key to understanding our new relationship with the rest of the world. Our perceptions have changed, theirs have not.

Remember, we were one of them once. Forgive them they know not what they do...in understanding the extent of our loss, ignorance is truly bliss. Just as we were ignorant of other bereaved parents once, so are they now. In our pain we can get extremely angry with inane and stupid platitudes uttered for our comfort and secretly cringe inside and want to run away. Sometimes we need to give them a break; at least they took the emotional risk to say something; so many steer clear of any interaction with us. Which is worse?

What can really hurt us more than we have already been hurt? Other than the loss of another child nothing can hurt us that deep again. So if people say stupid things, thank them for reaching out no matter how they reach out to your heart. It is our perceptions that have changed, give them latitude in their methods of compassion and accept the gift from their heart however it is presented.

In the transformation that takes place within our self into the new normal of the terminally bereaved we are also given freedom from old self imposed restrictions. We are now given the license to speak more freely how we feel and educate the fortunate others what is comforting and what is not. Speak your mind; be yourself; we need not play roles for the comfort of others (as we so often do). In expressing our pain, we need to speak from our heart. Hug freely; allow the tears when ever they need to appear, where ever they appear. We should not be embarrassed by the pain of our loss. We should be proud that we loved so hard and that we were loved so much. We will miss our child forever and as for those fortunate others; our friends, relatives and co-workers who are grateful to be restricted from membership in our club need to try and understand that the transformation that is taking place within us is a permanent one and one in which we are continually trying to understand ourselves.

Love and Light

Mitch Carmody

heartlightstudio@aol.com

www.heartlightstudios.net

Whats Lost?

A time of transition; moving from loss to legacy

by Mitch Carmody

When we see our loved one die or hear the news that they have died, it immediately propels one into a state of instant grief or clinically distress of mind. Our mind reels in unbelief and our body launches into an active fight or flight response. Adrenaline flows, chemicals, hormones and endorphins are pumped into our system that is in a full red alert. We are now in active flight or fight response.

As a living being this response is innate in our nature and by design protects us from a perceived danger. When we are faced with a situation that requires an adjustment of our behavior, an involuntary response increases our blood pressure, heart rate, rate of breathing, blood flow to muscles, our metabolism, preparing us to fight or to run for our life. Animals respond in this way instinctively for life threatening events only and it is not normally activated.

We as humans however, instinctively illicit this response when under any type of stress real or imagined. Our busy work-a-day worlds, tight schedules, commitments, family issues, political issues, and any unresolved anger continual bombard our system with stress. Our body acts accordingly to the stress it receives and perceiving it as an apparent danger it will activate the flight or fight response to some degree. On the positive side this affect can give instantaneous powerful physical ability which can save lives, your own or someone elses. On the negative side it is meant as a survival tool not an everyday tool and to our bodies, on a continual basiscan be deadly. Like a motor running at its top end continually, it will eventually burn up or blow apart. Fortunately we as humans have an over speed trip that we can activate, slowing the response to our stress down; Relaxation. We must learn to actively relax and diligently reduce the stressors in our life.

Grief is an enormous stressor that continually puts us in the fight or flight response. Not only can this response in the long term cause damage to the body, it consumes valuable needed energy each and every day. Do you always feel tired? Do you forget things? Does your mind wander? Are you tense? Have difficulty in reading or your math skills? Are you apathetic? Are your testy and humorless? Are you depressed?

Grief wipes you out and reduces your ability to even focus. To reduce this affect to your system, one needs to identify and reduce other stressors in their life. You have to make room for the enormous stressor of grief that has now become your daily modus operandi. Grief, like living with arthritis, you never get over it; you learn to live with it. You will always be in bereavement for your loss, but you will not always be in the state of grief. You have lost a huge part of your life and with it many dreams. Reminders of those lost dreams can bring a grief response for many years, be prepared with a few simple rules:

1) Ownership. This is your grief and absolutely no body can possibly know the depth of your personal pain. You have a right to experience it, let no one take it away, immerse your self into it, feel all of it, for there is no way around itonly through it. Take it in small doses, baby steps, one at a time.

2.) Be yourself. Express yourself. Let others know you are in pain. Grief gives you license to say anything you want (He/she is crazy with grief). Speak your loved ones name, do what ever feels right for you. People will learn it is a long process that may last for years and they must learn to accept the new you. Grief must never be internalized, actively mourn you loss, show your sadness, express your lamentations, your anger, disappointment, frustration and fear.let it out.

3.) Reduce other stressors in you life. Prioritize; you can not possibly get done what you did before when you are grieving. Make a list of what is absolutely necessary and then cut it in half. Ask for help to do simple things. Call on those people that say: if there is anything I can do, there is no time limit on love, allow them to give so that they can also receive.

4.) Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to whatever makes you happy. As elusive as happiness appears to be, we all have our personal comfort measures that makes us feel good. A movie , a walk, a good book, hunting golfing, horse back riding, the beach, it is as individual as you are. Remember you are also very vulnerable and comfort measures should not include those that may be contraindicated for your physical or mental health.

5.) Relax. Find ways to relax that will illicit the relaxation response. First find quiet and solitude and a comfortable position. Secondly repeat a mantra, prayer or phrase in your mind or listen to gentle music. Thirdly and most importantly adopt a passive attitude. With the proper attitude even closing your eyes with headphones on in a crowded subway can illicit this response. By doing so, you will automatically reduce many of the accelerated metabolic changes to your body that the stress of grief has created.

These are some simple steps to reduce the stress in your life accompanying loss. When you lose a significant loved one, you will go through the many different stages of grief: Shock, anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance, hope, isolation and depression. Grief is not linear however and you may experience all of these singly or in different combinations at anytime. You dare to love hard, you grieve hard -grief is hard work.

Nurturing your Grief Child

What is a grief child? A grief child simply put is the product of your grief. Active grieving utilizes masses amount of energy. Energy is not consumed it is only transformed. What it is transformed into is dependant upon you.

When you experience the loss of a significant loved one, you not only lose their presence in your life, you lose all the people and potentials that would have come into your life because of who they were. Because of their loss, you may lose in your life friends and relatives of the deceased. You may also in your grieving process lose some of your own friendships and significant relationships in your life. You also may lose the ability to concentrate, lose control of emotions, have no stamina, experience memory loss and job problems, lose the ability to attend social functions, your may lose your home, a lifestyle, your financial security, companionship, intimacy capacity for caring, your motivation, and even the will to live. Grief is complicated. Grief is hard work.

With a significant loss comes a huge void in you life, seemingly impossible to fill so it is filled with unbridled grief. You cannot live in total grief forever; it will ultimately damage you and those around you. If you fill the void with total despair, apathy, anger resentment, guilt, extra hours at your job, or addictions, it will eventually consume you and then two lives are wasted.

Initially you will be swallowed up by despair and memories, you will welcome their presence and perhaps want to die yourself, that is normal and expected, memories hurt, they are suppose to, they are your grief. It may last for months or years, everyones journey is different and it takes as long as it takes. It takes a lot of hard work to climb out the pit of despair and self pity and rejoin the human race. You may have heard the expression a cocoon of grief. Your soul crawls into the fetal position wrapping itself in pain and memories. Some day at its appointed time it breaks free of the confines of intense grief and emerges a whole different creature (your new normal).

It is recognizing this metamorphosis that leads us on the road to acceptance. What does this new creature have to offer to the world? Victor Frankle a survivor of the Holocaust once said: To live is to suffer; to survive is to find meaning in the suffering. We have suffered, now we must find the gift encapsulated in the grief and find the meaning and purpose this loss has for our life and the lives of others.

You can choose to stay in the cocoon and suffocate or emerge a beautiful new creation of God, spreading your new found wings in the sun and adding beauty to this earth. Fill that enormous void with compassion for others, do something positive for the world in memory of your loved one. When you give you receive, with that receiving comes healing. Move from loss to legacy and make a positive difference in others lives.

Your loved one can live on through your heart and your hands and your words and still affect change in this world. Love never dies; we have to learn to accept our new relationship; that they now live in our hearts forever. Living in our heart, our heart has to grow to accommodate their presence in it. Find your own grief child, nurture it and you nurture the world. We substantiate our lost loved ones life by the way we live ours. Let their legacy live on through us and they will live forever. This not only keeps our loved one alive, it heals our heart. Like dropping a pebble into a pond, ripples of love are sent out into the world ad infinitum. The concept of Pay it Forward becomes very real.

Platitudes and Attitudes

What does finding closure mean? You should be over it by now. Let go. At least you have other kids. Your young, you can have other children. It was only a little baby or miscarriage, you never got to know them.

You can get married again. They are in a better place. God picked another lovely flower for His garden. At least they are free of pain. It was their destiny. Praise God they are in Jesus arms. Its time you moved on. Now dont cry, everything will be all right, youll seeetc. Some people say the most hurtful thinks without even thinking. Forgive them they know not what they do. At least they are taking the emotional risk to same something, indifference is worse.

After the wake and funeral is over and the flowers, casseroles and condolences cards stop you are still left with many attitudes as you try to be normal again and return to work and everyday life; your attitude and that of others. Some people expect you to rejoin the world quickly and getting on with your life and say, youve got to stay busy or keep your mind off it. Your loss and grief is quickly degenerated to an impersonal it. Some people shun you, avoid you, walk the other way, or embarrassingly get stuck bumping into you and ask how is it going? without waiting for an answer or hope you say fine. Sometimes it is their attitude or plain ignorance, and sometimes it is a reflection of our attitude. Sometimes we may be projecting an attitude of isolationism and others pick up on it avoid interaction.

Thank God for the people who still mention your loved ones name, that give you a wordless hug, that come over and clean your house when you cannot get off the couch, that send cards and flowers months and years later, that plant something in memoriam, write a poem, make a scrapbook or video composite, shovel your driveway, watch a sad movie together and cry together. Be honest with people, forget the stoic front, tell them you hurt and accept their compassion how ever they display it. Show your grief.

Know that when you are in the process of bereavement and experiencing grief, you will misplace your glasses, your keys, your purse, your wallet, and even your car, you will forget where you are driving to or who you just called on the phone. You will pour orange juice into your coffee cup, forget to add coffee grounds to the filter, find the milk jug in the cupboard and always feel like you have forgotten something.

Recognize your symptoms of grief and vulnerability and take a mental health day. Call in sick, dont get dressed all day, look at photo albums, try to smell a scent from your loved ones clothing, play sad songs and cry, scream as loud as you can, break something, verbally lay into the person that is behaving like a jerk and or give someone the right of way, open doors for people and wave to everyone when youre driving, call old friends, watch a Hallmark movie, write a letter to your deceased loved one, be silly in public, tell a joke, eat a box of chocolate, reach out to someone in pain, dare to sing a happy song, enjoy a sunset, get a massage, go for a ride, sit on a bench for hours and watch people pass by, plant flowers, buy something expensive and wasteful, make love, make someones dayhold a newborn baby, hold someones hand. Keep trying to smell the flowers, they will again be fragrant. The color is gone from your life and it takes a long time to get it back. Share your pain with someone, the grass is greener, the sky is bluer when we share and someday you shall again know joy. Grieve your loss, create a new life with whats left, reclaim the future and participate in life again, move from loss to legacy.

Mitch Carmody

Author of Letters To My Son, a journey through grief

www.heartlightstudios.net

email:heartlightstudio@aol.com

Left BehindSiblings in Grief

by Mitch Carmody

Where do I fit in this great puzzle of grief? What part do I play in the healing of a familys pain?

I sit here across from an empty chair

the room encapsulated in empty air,

no bickering, no quarrel, no sound

no passing of the milk around.

Alone I sit

with two parents in despair

me by myself

and no one to care.

When the death of a family member occurs, everyone suffers at the loss and each in their own and unique way. There are so many factors that come into account that differentiates the loss even in heart of the nuclear family. For the most part there are many common elements that every family member will feel.

1. You hurt deeply and are in deep emotional distress.
2. You cannot believe this is really happening.
3. No one can possibly hurt like you do.
4. You miss them so much you ache.
5. People say stupid things.
6. You forget everything.
7. Time seems to stand still.
8. The future seems meaningless.
9. You want to die yourself.
10. All you want to do is sleep.

These commonalities may vary but are all classic emotional reactions to a death that is so close to home and are clearly reflect the combined grief stages of shock, denial and depression. Its in the long haul that differentiates the whole bereavement process for the individual. Its in the downstream processing of the loss that many preceding life factors come into play. This is especially true in the loss of a sibling.

Parents who lose a child have to deal with their own personal grief, the grief of their spouse, their combined grief as parents, the grief of their other children, as well as the grief of the grandparents, the extended family, friends and the world in general. Most parents end up giving more support to others than to themselves. Parents who are deeply emotionally distraught and still in shock still have a responsibility to care for their living children which is difficult when all they want to do is die themselves. This is tough for them and their children feel it.

When all the flowers have withered and the cards have stopped is when the serious grief journey begins. The parents go back to work, resume shopping, cleaning, laundry, yard work etc. because they have life demands that do not go away for long. Children go back to school, play with their friends and try to fit back into the regular world. But things will never be the same again.

Factors that further affect the sibling in the loss of their brother or sister:

1. The age of the sibling who died in relation to the sibling left behind.

An older sibling and one who is living away from home will have a different impact than the brother who plays tag everyday. The younger sibling, an infant in the crib will have a different impact than the sister who fights for the remote.

2. The age of cognitive awareness

How old is the child or children left behind? What is their ability to understand what has transpired? Do they understand what death is?

3. Religious teachings

What has the child left behind been exposed to in their religious beliefs that may help or hinder their understanding of death.

4. Personal involvement in the death

Was the sibling left behind a witness to the scene of the death or do they in someway feel responsible for the death, real or imagined?

5. Family dynamics

Single parent family, marital problems, other compound losses, security issues, financial problems, and other sibling relationships all play roles in a siblings grieving process.

6. Peer pressure

The sibling left behind may feel pressured by peers to get over it dont be a baby, or they themselves are embarrassed by the attention and become the clown to distract would be comforters.

7. Adult ignorance of a siblings pain.

So many well meaning adults will ask a child how the parents are doing and not even ask the child about their pain. A parent is so devastated they can not even talk to their other children or help them, let alone help themselves.

8. Reinvesting in life

The younger the child the quicker they reinvest in life. Kids want to be entertained, they move on to different things quickly that piques their interest, they do not brood to long on what was, but more anxious to know whats next. Adolescence has it own unique problems of growing up, hormones kicking in, boyfriends, girlfriends, and the added confusion of wanted to be grown up about the loss, but still confused with the emotions they are feeling.

9. Dealing with grieving parents

Parents are changed forever after the death of a child, and heal much slower than that of childs journey of grief. It is sometimes difficult for the child to see their parents suffer for so long and soon feel they have not only lost their sibling but have also lost their parents in the bargain. Unresolved it can lead to bitterness and being resentful toward their parents, and even thinking to themselves that it should have been me instead. Dealing with bereaved parents who are trying to figure out their own new normal leaves the bereaved sibling truly left behind and may feel no longer important.

Some parents may over protect the sibling left behind to the point they have no life, or shower them with everything they could ever want, making sure they missed nothing in this life. Conversely some children left behind are left to fend for themselves, feeling invisible as some parents crumble completely.

10. Fear of Death

Siblings left behind will often have an increased fear that death may strike them too and in the same manner as their sibling who died, or that their parents may die and leave them utterly alone.

What can a sibling left behind do to help in the bereavement process of the whole family?

1. Ask Questions

Discuss with the parents and other siblings the death, their emotions, their pain, and their plans for the future. Ask questions about what happens after death, talk, talk, talk.

Never stop talking about your sibling who died, keep them a part of the family conversation.

2. Let go of the what ifs, if onlys, and the shoulda woulda couldas

There is no going back, life is what it is, and you cannot change the past.

3. Listen to your dreams

Pay close attention to your dreams, coincidences, animal signs, songs, and intuition, our loved ones are not that far away and communicate to children easier than adults.

4. Do something in honor of your sibling who died.

Create something that will honor their life, artwork, writing, a memorial garden, a video tribute, a benevolent gesture in their name.

5. Become a better person

Help other people, do unexpected favors for your parents, volunteer, show compassion, be as good as you can be to others, make this world a better place.

6. Enjoy the moment

Show respect to all you encounter, enjoy the moment, be silly and laugh until your stomach hurts, live life as is should be lived, say things you want to say.

7. You will not forget

Know that you will grow up and reinvest in life and blend back into the mainstream but there will always be days, special days where the hurt will still come back like it was only yesterday. You never forget

8. Seek counseling

Go to grief groups with your parents, attend your own, create you own, find a professional counselor, there is no shame in seeking help.

9. Start a journal

Write in a diary, write poetry, write letters to you sibling who died, put your words and emotions on paper, write compassionate words to others experiencing loss in their life.

10. Be good to yourself

Treat yourself to something that cheers you up, overcome the feelings of guilt for feeling good again, life is meant to be enjoyed.

Sing as if no one were listening,

dance as if now one were watching,

and live everyday as if it were your last

-old Irish Proverb

War and Remembrance 2007

Honoring parents who have lost a child from this war or any cause

Headlines still read: More American Casualties In Iraq. Yes, there have been over 3,300 American casualties since the start of the war in Iraq. There have also been huge casualties with other allied countries and among the peoples of Iraq. It makes my heart ache. Through history all across the world parents have lost their children to war; has been; is; and will be; ad infinitum; a tragic legacy of being human; our children may go to war for their country and die. Our country is no stranger to war. I am from Minnesota, and to date of this writing 50 of those American soldiers who have died serving their country haled from Minnesota. Of those 50 young men, there was one young Marine who was to come home this spring and marry my niece. We are never immune to death.

Recent local statistics have shown that on an average 1,200 children (ages 0-25) die every year in Minnesota. That is a lot of parents grieving the loss of their child every year, just in Minnesota alone. All across this country our children will die from cancer, disease, neglect, abuse, mental illness, drunk drivers, and accidents of all sorts, violent acts from nature or the insanity of man. Huge numbers of tragic deaths.

Eight years ago, the Columbine High School tragedy shook our nation when unprecedented violence took so many young lives simply while they were attending school. Recently 32 innocents murdered in cold blood by a lone gunman at a Virginia university. Another enormous national tragedy that gripped the hearts of our country and the world and left so many bereaved family members and friends to try and survive the shock and aftermath of this personal and collective loss. Our children are never safe.

So many, many more bereaved parents join our ranks everyday, regardless of age, race, creed, religion occupation, or location. Every one of our countrys children who have died, leave parents and siblings behind whose lives are now changed forever. There is no getting over the loss of your child, no matter how old you are or what the age of your child. There is no moving on without them. There is nothing that makes it better.

For the long term grieving parent, the five stages of grief as proposed by Elizabeth Kubler Ross, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance I do not believe aptly apply years down the road for the bereaved parent. These stages are for one facing their own imminent death, as well as the initial stages parents may go through when confronted with the fact that their child is dying. The term stage presumes a linear progression of events that lead to an anticipated outcome. These famous stages are quoted in much of the modern text on grief and used pretty much carte blanche without question. The irony of the matter is that following the death of your child, one will find these stages simply do not adequately represent the reality of that journey.

It is ludicrous to think that after we bury our child that we are in denial, or experiencing some stage of bargaining. Our child is dead; their remains are returned to the planet and their physical presence is now a memory. We can neither deny the fact nor cajole a bargain with some supernal presence to bring them back. Physical death accepts no compromise, there are no rebates; we cannot turn back the clock.

To bring what I am saying to its basic core of understanding, in long term bereavement I feel we experience only two stages of grief. The first stage is shock; how else can we function to arrange for our childs funeral? The second stage is learning to accept the unacceptable and that stage is the rest of your life. Anger and depression are not stages but primal survival tools that are critical to life. They will weave their way through your own personal journey of acceptance forever. Denial can be a clinical condition, or a mind game, but it is not a stage. In the early years one can experience it everyday. The first moment in the morning when you open your eyes and realize it was not all a dream; your child is really dead. Like living with the pain of arthritis you dont get over it, you learn to live with it and live with its flare ups of pain.

By most accounts the loss of a child tops the charts in stressful events. Society is missing the boat in understanding the depth and duration of living with that loss. We do not fit into any social set of mores that describes our grief journey adequately. Whether a child dies from a premature birth or at age 58, there will be parents whose lives are changed forever. If you know of someone who has lost their child from this war, insanity, or anything that has removed a precious child from their arms, show them you care. It is the camaraderie of compassion that we share in learning to accept the unacceptable that enables us to survive. We need not walk alone.

Mitch Carmody

Hastings MN

Bereaved parent, artist, speaker, and author of the book Letters to my Son, a journey through grief.

www.heartlightstudios.net